Literary Clip: Please Judge

[Eusira]

I wrote this on spring break and have made up my mind to share it. It is part of a semi-long-short story I'm writing out of boredom. Enjoy

This world was once depleted of life… and yet a miracle had come. Miniscule rays of light finally shone upon the forsaken dark world of Intaro, and with this blessing came much change. The despaired cretin of Intaro, fleeing from the growing rays, drew ever closer to their pagan sanctum… chanting their final prayers and offering what they could to their fading deities. In their last vain attempts to flee into the dark crevices of their home, they were exposed to the great ray of light. Through this light, the beings were introduced to a new world—one with hope and freedom, unchained from the shackles of the darkness itself. The essence of darkness itself melted away from Intaro in the enchanted light. The savage and ravenous world of Intaro had finally seen a new perspective of existence. Yet despite this blessing, there were some that resented this change—the evil within them had not perished, but was a dying spark awaiting the opportunity to reclaim the lost world…

 

[Teppana]

I wanna know what happens next... it's good this far, bit boring tough

 

[Torn]

Its good, its not quite catchy for the moment though, you should continue though...make it into a novel and publish it!

 

[Daelin2]

itz good, make it more exciting to read.
almost fell asleeep half way

 

[DeadDogNoGoWoof]

rename Intaro to something else. it sounds inadequate to me. your style of writing is very nice.
please continue!

 

[Eusira]

Yay, appreciation! Well, my imaginative brainkind of stopped at names for the world, so I could take some suggestions.

Dead: Thanks. This kind of constructive criticism is what I like about some of the people at this site

Daelin2: There is point in honest judgement. Something is boring because it does not suit your needs. Would you degrade women's products if you were a man? Of course not, because you cannot use them in a way which it would suit a need. Same with literature

 

[SeaGull1723]

Ah, literature. There's been enough. I thought it was well written. Though perhaps you can try writing it like Old English or something.

And yes, where's that fan fiction section? :roll:

 

[Eusira]

Sorry Seagull, but I utterly detest Old English because:
1: It is heavily stereotyped
2: All the more "boring" for these naive fools

And this is NOT a fanfic. Is Intaro some sort of warcraft continent? Probably not. This is based of nothing, just a storyline. I have a bit of first chapter done, but it's bullsh&*

 

[Teppana]

Now you guys made him angry!! Shame on you!

oh...and Teddy (can I call you Teddy? good)
is there any way I could see this "bullsh&*" :?

 

[DerekTest]

Good vocab

 

[Daveman]

Very god descriptive paragraph. I do not find it boaring, this is awsome

 

[harper]

Very nice! Please continue. *cough* It fits to my Literature forum *cough*