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I3lack I)eath Novel

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So here is the beginning of a novel I am writing, called Black Death. It has nothing to do with the Bubonic Plague, but comparisons are made later on in the novel. I accept all criticism and suggestions, and will release more as I write it.

I3lack I)eath
By Austin Groves


( Prologue: Gareth )

He saw madness, death and destruction. Before it struck the city, there was confusion and fear, panic and worry. People sped up roads, trying to get away before the inevitable happened. Others crawled into their basements and wrapped rags around their mouths and noses, unsure whether it would work against the chemicals. And then, it hit, and chaos erupted as if a physical figure. Millions, if not tens of millions, of people were instantly shattered and torn from their lives. Hundreds of thousands more after that were brought down by the gases, or the madness of seeing loved ones buried in a pile of rubble, or burnt to ashes, or ripped to shreds by the explosion.

Ripped to shreds by the nuclear explosion. The missile was no more, its own explosion bringing it only to small shards of metal. But it had desecrated the city, razed it to its very foundations, which were now burning away.

Gareth stood now on a hill overlooking the city, far enough away to evade the nuke's effects. As a result he only saw the city as a small dot on the horizon – but that didn't make it any less terrifying. He slowly glanced around him at the trees, unbelief folding around him. That didn't happen, he thought to himself. How could that have happened? The green growth slowly being covered by the light snow that was falling, and that suggested the birth of Winter. The dusk sky, full of beautiful sunset colours. All of that would be gone down there, down in Berlin. Gareth thought it was ironic – was this the start of a Nuclear Winter?

* * *

Gareth trudged back to his camp, in the middle of a thick spruce forest. The snow hadn't reached the ground here yet, since the overgrowth was much too thick. As he left, Gareth noted the spreading of the fire. It wouldn't be burning for long, and wouldn't spread far. But what about the people in that fire. He coughed and almost puked at the thought. How would he even sleep with the knowledge that a nuclear weapon - one of the most powerful weapons of mankind - had just been fired not far from his tent?

Thoughts and emotions recklessly thrashed within his mind; the only thing he was certain of was his uncertainty. The memory of him and his sister leaving to go camping seemed ever so distant despite the fact it was only this morning. He had forgotten the barbecue and she volunteered to return to the city for it. Now, swimming silently amidst a pool of shame and regret Gareth hoped, wished and even prayed for the slim chance that she would still be alive.

He reached the tent, but had to keep crawling out to puke. He made himself believe it was just the fumes from the nuke, but he knew better. It was the fact that millions, if not tens of millions, of people had just been murdered. And outside, the ashes of those people were falling, falling down to the snow, mixing.

Gareth hoped, though he wasn't religious, hoped to God that his sister wasn't amongst those ashes falling. He had his doubts.


( Prologue: Lily )

Lily Bannerman was at her house, fumbling around inside the basement when she heard the missile. It sounded like whistling, coming down at extreme force upon the city. But she hadn't known what it was until too late. The missile hit, only a few kilometers from the house. But the impact was still huge. She felt the ground shaking, and only a few seconds afterwards the house was blown apart above her.

The basement was built underground. All of it's walls and it's roof were made of natural stone, and it was some way underneath the house. The only part of the missile she felt was the explosion, the earthquakes, and the huge gust of fire that spread so fast, so fast over the entrance to the basement above the ladder.

She sat down, a screaming eight year-old. "Help," she screamed. "Help!" "Help!"

But her voice was drowned in the explosion, the fire, the gusts of wind flying overhead. She got up, ran and jammed the basement trapdoor shut, which was hanging inside and wasn't affected by the nuclear missile. She managed to jam the trapdoor between the two rock walls and the entire basement was left in darkness.

But it wasn't quiet. It was loud, painfully loud. The trapdoor diminished only some of the sound.

And then came the real sound. The sound that brought Lily to her knees, rocking, crying, wanting to die. Screams of pain and agony above, shouts. Crumbled bodies crushed by rocks and felled buildings, screaming for their family, screaming for help much as Lily had done only a few minutes before.

In only ten minutes, the entire city was brought to a wreckage, everyone alive going mad with the search for family members or loved pets.

Lily thought to herself through her sobbing. I have to find mummy, and daddy. They were right above me just before. Watching T.V. Where are they now? Where's Garry?

She tried the trapdoor, but it would budge. It was jammed from her efforts before. But in reality, it was blocked by massive blocks of rubble from her house, and from hundreds of other buildings. She cried, and lay on the ground, crying silently. She could still hear the screams above. And by the time they stopped an hour later, she was asleep.


( Prologue: Cebrean )

The President of the United States looked up, tired but ready. His gaze swept the room. SWAT units were surronding the long political table, and yet he was scared of this man in front of him, this man that had just strode in here in the middle of a meeting and demanded to see the President.

"Who are you?" asked the President. He held up his hands as two of his soldiers came forward to remove the man, and they halted in their steps.

"My name is Cebrean Delavici." A strange name for an Australian, thought the President, having spent time with family in Australia before. "I am here about the kidnapping of Jacob Aldarado."

The man seemed to be Australian, judging his accent. His eyes were dark, the eyes of a trained killer. He'd heard of a secret organization of assassins that worked under, and only under, the Australian Prime Minister, Graham Heston. The President thought about this, until his mind registered what Cebrean was saying.

"Jacob Aldarado? Who is he?" he asked innocently. Cebrean slitted his eyes and suddenly the whole world revolved around him and the President. Anger boiled inside this dangerous man, thought the President, and dangerous men shouldn't be in his meeting room. "Guards, remove him."

And the instant one of the guards grabbed Cebrean's arm, a firearm came up and shot him through the forehead. The guard fell backwards, alive only for a split second, and tumbled against a cluster of chairs.

Guns were instantly brought up from SWAT and politicians alike, all aimed at Cebrean. Cebrean, on his part, kept his gun on the President.

"Where is he?" he asked calmly.

"I have no idea who this Aldarado fellow is," the President said. "Seriously."

"Alright, then. I'll have to find the memory inside your chunks of brain."

Before anybody could understand what he meant, Cebrean shot and jumped sideways. The President, or former President, was pushed backwards by the force of the gun, blood and brain flying everywhere from the close impact with the bullet.

Instantaneous death.

Silence.

Gunfire.

Cebrean jumped sideways - straight out one of the windows, sending glass shards everywhere. He fell from the single storey window and landed softly in the grass.

Confusion.

By time the guns stopped firing, and the men shooting them realised Cebrean was gone and saw the broken window, he was gone with only a few scratches, a headache and a heart full of satisfaction.



1.03
- Changed Prologue + Chapter I to Prologue: Gareth, and Prologue: Lily, respectively.
- Wrote Prologue: Cebrean and added it to Character Prologues.
- Beginning first chapter.


1.02
- Entirely changed the fifth paragraph (WRITTEN by GhostThruster, who I cannot thank enough for his invaluable feedback XD).
- A few changes of it's to its.
- Changed many paragraphs, mostly the second last, the last, and the fourth.
- I think that's all, I might've changed a few words here and there as well XD
- I changed the current text from Chapter I to a Prologue. I didn't want to end a chapter so short, so I made it a short Prologue to the story. Part of the First Chapter will be up soon.


1.01
- Character's name changed from Cebrean Delavici to Gareth Bannerman.
- President of the US (name not mentioned) is now named Bryan Devarado.
- Removed and added a few sentences.
- 'Your sleeping bag' changed to 'his sleeping bag'. Very exciting XD.
- Re-wrote the entire part about his sister and believing she's dead.
 
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last sentence of 2nd para *president. is cool im australian too and we're used to prime ministers :p
edit: 4th para last sentence "your sleeping bag" perspective change, should be *his

edit 2: the names are odd, seem like a foreigner's idea of typical italian names. i dont think therell ever be a us president named 'alousta paramino', but then again we got obama.

ur 1st paragraph has the perfect amount of description. after that, its /too/ descriptive. take this:
All of this caused by the power of one man, one single man who had the authority to command the destruction of an entire city. That man was the Presidant of the United States, Alousta Paramino.
the bolded feels tacked on, especially given the fact this guy doesnt get mentioned further. even so the way you introduce ur characters is very abrupt and unsophisticated. make sure wat ur saying make sense; "from the dark sight of his eye" makes no sense.

u spam information out like a chaingun; take ur time. harry potter wasn't revealed to be a wizard in the 1st page. abruptly telling us what happened and where, who caused what happened from where, who the protagonist is alongside where he is alongside how he lost his sister, just feels like too much. this is only exacerbated by the overuse of asyndeton; dont, it impedes the reader's flow unnecessarily.

additionally, the text is too 'distant' to the protagonist. ideally a novel that introduces its character so quickly needs to be more introspective, and really create pathos between protagonist and reader. if u tell the audience a protagonist's sister died within the book's first 2 pages ESPECIALLY without establishing the bond between the siblings, the reader will give no shits. at least u ought to explore his reaction more strongly, not just follow up with "He swore to himself then that he would get his revenge".

in conclusion the composition of ur narrative shud mirror the thoughts/emotions of its protagonist, in addition to serving as a means of exposition. dont over-inform either; it removes a sense of mystery and disrupts a reader's immersion. i realise ive been brutally honest, but i write this to help, not to insult. im not a very good writer myself, so dont count on everything i say.
 
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Thanks for the feedback, GhostThruster. A lot, probably all, of what you say I agree on, and I've changed the text accordingly. I'll be posting some more of the story possibly later on today or tomorrow.

I have one question though: the last sentence:

When he woke up, Cebrean wouldn't know he was walking over his sister's ashes, carelessly stomping her out of existence.

Should that be removed or changed? I quite like the sentence, but it could easily not fit with the rest. Gareth states that he wonders whether shes alive, and the story moves on from that. It's not on the top of his mind. Bringing the sister back and confirming her death could not fit or ruin part of the story.

Some feedback on that last sentence would be greatly appreciated.
 
np, im glad ur a person that handles criticism effectively. now onto more feedback

it's = it is, doesnt denote ownership. u used it wrong in 2nd para, shud be *its

uve still got a problem with over-simplistic exposition and asyndeton. wat i suggest is for u to constantly proof-read ur piece from the pov of a reader. the following is a revised version of ur 5th paragraph
Thoughts and emotions recklessly thrashed within his mind; the only thing he was certain of was his uncertainty. The memory of him and his sister leaving to go camping seemed ever so distant despite the fact it was only this morning. He had forgotten the barbecue and she volunteered to return to the city for it. Now, swimming silently amidst a pool of shame and regret Gareth wished and prayed and hoped for the slim chance that she would still be alive.
my first step was to infer the effect u were going for. ur clearly trying to reflect gareth's doubt/anxiety/concern/insomnia, and this goal is good. it makes sense for a non-sociopath to feel these things after seeing a nuke. my second step was to identify how well ur achieving this goal, and u did it poorly. asyndeton is great for creating a sense of foreboding or exhaustion; in this situation you shud be going for the opposite. hes just seen a freaking nuke and possibly doomed his sister! his train of thought shudnt be truncated, it shud be a mess of emotion and concern. that leads to the other problem, theres no emotion. come on man, at least add some adverbs or something! compare my last sentence to urs; which one better reflects gareth's feelings about the fact that he effectively killed his sister? now im not gonna retype every paragraph u write because
a) thats fucking rude, who am i kidding
b) i dont have endless free time
c) its better for you to learn how to analyse ur own text and from there improve yourself, rather than rely on others to do such for you
so yeah basically, after you write a paragraph re-read and see:
- what you are trying to convey, if it makes sense etc.
- how well what you are trying to convey is being conveyed

okay so ill apply these 2 steps to ur last sentence as well.
1. ur adding a sense of cynicism, and trying to keep the reader engaged.
2. ur doing this well.
so u conveyed wat u want to convey well, but wat u want to convey is bad. its good to keep the reader engaged, but not at the sacrifice of making the narrative feel so bitterly cynical so early on. this just prevents readers from sympathising with gareth. if u want to shock the reader, u shud wait for tension to build up later in the novel AND u need to build the relationship between gareth and his sister. for all we know, gareth cudve hated her and thus the disturbing nature of him walking amongst her ashes just makes him look like a douche or makes the act seem insignificant.
so basically, my answer is it should be changed. at this point, gareth shud not only wonder, but HOPE AND PRAY TO THE LORD shes alive. it shud absolutely be at the top of his mind. all i noe is disconnecting the reader from its protagonist WILL ruin the story. it also contradicts ur earlier paragraphs; to me it seemed like gareth was disgusted with what had happened. it seems weird to just dismiss the death of his sister so early and coldly. and do remember that even in a 3rd person perspective the narration innately reflects the protagonist's personality
 
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Thanks once again, GhostThruster, you are giving excellent feedback for me to work with. Everything you've said I agree on.

I've changed the fifth paragraph into the one you wrote, slightly changed by myself. Also, I went around and prepared to change a few sentences and words here and there, but ended up changing a few sentences and entire paragraphs. It's the same idea, of course, but I attempted adding more emotion to it, and tossing around whether the sister was dead or not.

What you said in your lengthy post was definitely helpful, especially the part about each paragraph making sense, having a goal, etc. When I applied this I found in my opinion the story got much better. And that is motivation. I'll be posting the next seven or so paragraphs soon, within the next two hours at least.

I thank you again, GhostThruster, for your help. Looking forward to sharing my next few paragraphs with you and hearing your feedback XD.

EDIT: Part of the first chapter is up (Note that I changed the 'first chapter' to a prologue).
 
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I'm not expecting it, at least not yet in this current version. It hasn't got enough bulk to it for it to be a map. But possibly in the future, if I get round to finishing it.
 
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