Crystalheart

[terradont]

This is the prologue for the book i'm writing.

The genre is Fantasy.

Please do not steal my work

Crystalheart

Crystalheart

Prologue


“When does he get here? I’m freezing my ass off here!”
The little man pulled his black cloak tighter around him. He was small even for a dwarf. With his hood and mask the only parts of his face that were visible was his big nose and long gray beard.
“Just keep still and wait. He will be here sooner or later. I thought dwarves were used to cold weather. Isn’t it you who live in the mountains?”
The dwarf looked up at the tall elf. Her obsidian skin was almost the same color as the rest of the cult’s outfit. If they hadn’t been standing in the middle of a snowstorm she would have been practically invisible.
“In the mountains. Not on them.” The dwarf muttered.
The dwarf swore as the winds changed direction and threw snow in their faces. The elf glared disliking at him.
“You will have to cleanse your words, short one, or I will make sure that this dagger sits perfectly between your ribs.” She showed him a ritual dagger fastened in her belt, so sharp you could almost see it cutting the wind as it flew by.
The dwarf snorted and turned his head away from her and started to sharpen his axe.
“No, I didn’t think so.” She smiled.
She leaned onto the giant mountain wall behind them and looked into the sky with a distant look. She couldn’t have cared less about the snowflakes that flew into her face.

“What are ya dreaming about? Huh? Huh?” The little nymph leaped down into the snow and ran around the elf, her black hair swirling in the storm. Her slim little body barely reached up to the dwarf’s waist. Her pointy ears were red from the cold.
“None of your business, Krilde. And put that damned hood on, we cannot afford to be recognized here”
Krilde put her arms in her sides and leaned forward. Her playful purple eyes stared at the elf.
“I don’t wanna! You’re no fun!”
The elf sighed as the little nymph showed her tongue to her.
“Bah, just leave her be will you? The chance of anyone going up here in the middle of the night is one to a million anyways.”
“Our mission is too important to leave to that chance.”

From out of nowhere a shadow appeared. The shadow’s cloak fluttered in the wind as a man dressed in clothes black as the darkest night stood before them.
“About damned time!” The dwarf bellowed. “Do you know how cold it is out here?”
In the blink of an eye the elf had swirled around, grabbing the dwarf’s throat, who were now helplessly dangling a few feet above the ground.
“How dare you talk about our leader that way? Do you long for death?” She angrily whispered to him.
“Bah! He won’t kill us. We’re too important for this mission of his anyway.” The dwarf replied, with all his efforts trying to release himself from the grasp.
“Almost true, Lhodl. It wouldn’t be too hard to replace you. After all, there are many earthbinders among your kind, are there not?” The shadow’s voice where whispering and slow. Under his hood were a black dragon mask that unlike the others covered his whole face. In the mask’s eyeholes glowed two red eyes, staring right at the dwarf, reaching out for eye contact. The dwarf struggled to avoid it, but it was no use.
The pained scream echoed through the chilly night.
“Damned dwarf.” The elf spat. “Now we’ll have to find another earthbinder.”
She threw the body on the ground and brushed her hands, as if the dwarf had been dirty.
“I will see to that, but for tonight, it is your power we need, Malistra. Lhodl saved us some time by not needing to find a sacrifice.”
Malistra stretched her long obsidian neck and smiled.
“It will be my pleasure.”
She lifted the body up on her shoulder and started walking towards a cave.
Krilde skipped happily after her, seemingly not aware of what had just happened.


The shadow sat down in a corner of the large room. He closed his eyes as Malistra lightened the candles one by one, revealing a round room. She put Lhodl’s body down in a stretched pose, forming a star. She took out her dagger. Slowly she cut her palm.
“Owchie! Doesn’t that hurt?” Krilde suddenly asked, sitting on Lhodl’s body. “Hey! Is that a wrinkle in your forehead? Are ya mad? Well? Are ya?”
“Krilde! Leave Malistra be.” The shadow called out.
Krilde’s look went between the shadow and Malistra. Finally she skipped away and sat down next to the shadow, ever so obedient.
Malistra used the blood seeping from her hand to draw a circle on the floor around Lhodl. She drew strange runes around the circle while talking an ancient language in a otherworldy voice.
Malistra placed herself on top of the dwarf and heightened her dagger.
“Oh, have I waited for this moment!”

Oh, i might add that this is the first time i've tried writing a book in english(i'm swedish)


Constuctive critisism is welcome.

 

[NinjasDontFight]

Crystalheart

Prologue


“When does he get here? I’m freezing my ass off here!”
The little man pulled his black cloak tighter around him. He was small even for a dwarf. With his hood and mask the only parts of his face that were visible was his big nose and long gray beard.
“Just keep still and wait. He will be here sooner or later. I thought dwarves were used to cold weather. Isn’t it you who live in the mountains?”
The dwarf looked up at the tall elf. Her obsidian skin was almost the same color as the rest of the cult’s outfit. If they hadn’t been standing in the middle of a snowstorm she would have been practically invisible.
“In the mountains. Not on them.” The dwarf muttered.
The dwarf swore as the winds changed direction and threw snow in their faces. The elf glared disliking at him.
“You will have to cleanse your words, short one, or I will make sure that this dagger sits perfectly between your ribs.” She showed him a ritual dagger fastened in her belt, so sharp you could almost see it cutting the wind as it flew by.
The dwarf snorted and turned his head away from her and started to sharpen his axe.
“No, I didn’t think so.” She smiled.
She leaned onto the giant mountain wall behind them and looked into the sky with a distant look. She couldn’t have cared less about the snowflakes that flew into her face.

“What are ya dreaming about? Huh? Huh?” The little nymph leaped down into the snow and ran around the elf, her black hair swirling in the storm. Her slim little body barely reached up to the dwarf’s waist. Her pointy ears were red from the cold.
“None of your business, Krilde. And put that damned hood on, we cannot afford to be recognized here”
Krilde put her arms in her sides and leaned forward. Her playful purple eyes stared at the elf.
“I don’t wanna! You’re no fun!”
The elf sighed as the little nymph showed her tongue to her.
“Bah, just leave her be will you? The chance of anyone going up here in the middle of the night is one to a million anyways.”
“Our mission is too important to leave to that chance.”

From out of nowhere a shadow appeared. The shadow’s cloak fluttered in the wind as a man dressed in clothes black as the darkest night stood before them.
“About damned time!” The dwarf bellowed. “Do you know how cold it is out here?”
In the blink of an eye the elf had swirled around, grabbing the dwarf’s throat, who were now helplessly dangling a few feet above the ground.
“How dare you talk about our leader that way? Do you long for death?” She angrily whispered to him.
“Bah! He won’t kill us. We’re too important for this mission of his anyway.” The dwarf replied, with all his efforts trying to release himself from the grasp.
“Almost true, Lhodl. It wouldn’t be too hard to replace you. After all, there are many earthbinders among your kind, are there not?” The shadow’s voice where whispering and slow. Under his hood were a black dragon mask that unlike the others covered his whole face. In the mask’s eyeholes glowed two red eyes, staring right at the dwarf, reaching out for eye contact. The dwarf struggled to avoid it, but it was no use.
The pained scream echoed through the chilly night.
“Damned dwarf.” The elf spat. “Now we’ll have to find another earthbinder.”
She threw the body on the ground and brushed her hands, as if the dwarf had been dirty.
“I will see to that, but for tonight, it is your power we need, Malistra. Lhodl saved us some time by not needing to find a sacrifice.”
Malistra stretched her long obsidian neck and smiled.
“It will be my pleasure.”
She lifted the body up on her shoulder and started walking towards a cave.
Krilde skipped happily after her, seemingly not aware of what had just happened.


The shadow sat down in a corner of the large room. He closed his eyes as Malistra lightened the candles one by one, revealing a round room. She put Lhodl’s body down in a stretched pose, forming a star. She took out her dagger. Slowly she cut her palm.
“Owchie! Doesn’t that hurt?” Krilde suddenly asked, sitting on Lhodl’s body. “Hey! Is that a wrinkle in your forehead? Are ya mad? Well? Are ya?”
“Krilde! Leave Malistra be.” The shadow called out.
Krilde’s look went between the shadow and Malistra. Finally she skipped away and sat down next to the shadow, ever so obedient.
Malistra used the blood seeping from her hand to draw a circle on the floor around Lhodl. She drew strange runes around the circle while talking an ancient language in a otherworldy voice.
Malistra placed herself on top of the dwarf and heightened her dagger.
“Oh, have I waited for this moment!”

This is really good, for a swedish person.

Sentence is a little strange.
Should be "...grabbing the dwarf’s throat, who was now helplessly dangling..."
where should be was
throughout sounds better
Stretching her neck out? Nothing wrong, just queer xD

 

[terradont]

Thank you for taking time to review my story. I will fix those awkward sentences.
And i didn't know a better way to describe the stretching part, i'll try to think something up there xD.

EDIT: Oh, and any thoughts on the actual story. Does it catch your eye and want you to continue reading? Or does it bore you out of hell?

 

[NinjasDontFight]

Very interesting, I was like wtf... their so little! but its so goood!

 

[hawk_767]

your story edited

“When does (will, or another form of saying this in another matter of words) he get here? I’m freezing my ass off here (repeated here)!”
The little man pulled his black cloak tighter around him. He was small even for a dwarf (comma no period. Lowercase With) With his hood and mask the only parts of his face that were visible was his big nose and long gray beard.
“Just keep still and wait. He will be here sooner or later. I thought dwarves were used to cold weather. Isn’t it you who live in the mountains?”
The dwarf looked up at the tall elf. Her obsidian skin was almost the same color as the rest of the cult’s outfit. If they hadn’t been standing in the middle of a snowstorm she would have been practically invisible.
“In the mountains. Not on them.” The dwarf muttered.
The dwarf swore as the winds changed direction and threw snow in their faces. The elf glared disliking (towards him) at him.
“You will have to cleanse your words, short one, or I will make sure that this dagger sits perfectly between your ribs.” She showed him a ritual dagger fastened in her belt, so sharp you could almost see it cutting the wind as it flew by.
The dwarf snorted and turned his head away from her and started to sharpen his axe.
“No, I didn’t think so.” She smiled.
She leaned onto the giant mountain wall behind them and looked into the sky with a distant look. She couldn’t have cared less about the snowflakes that flew into her face.

“What are ya dreaming about? Huh? Huh?” The little nymph leaped down into the snow and ran around the elf, her black hair swirling in the storm. Her slim little body barely reached up to the dwarf’s waist. Her pointy ears were red from the cold.
“None of your business,(no comma) Krilde.(no period comma lowercase and) And put that damned hood on, we cannot afford to be recognized here(period)”
Krilde put her arms in her sides and leaned forward. Her playful purple eyes stared at the elf.
“I don’t wanna!(comma) You’re no fun!”
The elf sighed as the little nymph showed her tongue to her.
“Bah, just leave her be will you? The chance of anyone going up here in the middle of the night is one to a million anyways.”
“Our mission is too important to leave to that(switch to and that) chance.”

From out of nowhere a shadow appeared. The shadow’s cloak fluttered in the wind as a man dressed in clothes black as the darkest night stood before them.
“About damned time!” The dwarf bellowed. “Do you know how cold it is out here?”
In the blink of an eye the elf had swirled around, grabbing the dwarf’s throat, who were(was) now helplessly dangling a few feet above the ground.
“How dare you talk about our leader that way?(comma) Do you long for death?” She angrily whispered to him.
“Bah! He won’t kill us. We’re too important for this mission of his anyway.” The dwarf replied, with all his efforts trying to release himself from the grasp.
“Almost true,(no comma) Lhodl. It wouldn’t be too hard to replace you. After all, there are many earthbinders among your kind, are there not?” The shadow’s voice where(was) whispering(maybe not whispering but a word meaning quiet or soft) and slow. Under his hood were(was) a black dragon mask that unlike the others covered his whole face. In the mask’s eyeholes(2 words) glowed two red eyes, staring right at the dwarf, reaching out for eye contact. The dwarf struggled to avoid it, but it was no use.
The pained scream echoed through the chilly night.
“Damned dwarf.” The elf spat. “Now we’ll have to find another earthbinder.”
She threw the body on the ground and brushed her hands, as if the dwarf had been dirty.
“I will see to that, but for tonight, it is your power we need,(no comma) Malistra. Lhodl saved us some time by not needing to find a sacrifice.”
Malistra stretched her long obsidian neck and smiled.
“It will be my pleasure.”
She lifted the body up on her shoulder and started walking towards a cave.
Krilde skipped happily after her, seemingly not aware of what had just happened.


The shadow sat down in a corner of the large room. He closed his eyes as Malistra lightened the candles one by one, revealing a round room. She put Lhodl’s body down in a stretched pose, forming a star. She took out her dagger. Slowly she cut her palm.
“Owchie! Doesn’t that hurt?” Krilde suddenly asked, sitting on Lhodl’s body. “Hey! Is that a wrinkle in your forehead? Are ya mad? Well? Are ya?”
“Krilde! Leave Malistra be.” The shadow called out.
Krilde’s look went between the shadow and Malistra. Finally she skipped away and sat down next to the shadow, ever so obedient.
Malistra used the blood seeping from her hand to draw a circle on the floor around Lhodl. She drew strange runes around the circle while talking an ancient language in a otherworldly voice.
Malistra placed herself on top of the dwarf and heightened her dagger.
“Oh, have I waited for this moment!”

This was a very good piece, I must say. I really liked the way the story played out. The only major problems I found were grammar and punctuation wise. You put were or where when you should have used the word was in a few places. During conversation you also had many question marks and exclamation marks when you should have had commas. You may want to look for lessons of grammar and punctuation either online or get help from a teacher or another writer. Or you can ask me for a bit more help and I'd be happy to oblige. Otherwise the story was very good. Hope you continue =)

 

[terradont]

First of all, thanks for reviewing.
And yes, when i write i usually forgets the basic rules for "was", because my head is filled up by all of my inspiration. I will try to think more of that.

I'll look for lessons for the punctuation, i've had a little trouble with that befoer

 

[Linaze]

I like this prologue alot, weren't looking for grammatical and spelling errors so didn't find any either. Really good work, man.

 

[terradont]

Thank you! I appreciate it.

 

[TheBlooddancer]

Lhodl

Sounds like Lol D:

 

[terradont]

You messin' with ma dwarf? ''
Didn't notice that until now though, but i'm really proud of making that name soun so dwarfish, so i'll keep it x.x