I simply wished to apologize.
Alexen... I have a question for you, because although I should know more about you I largely do not. I remember passing by the fact that you existed, occasionally, and then I remember the day that a large amount of stuff was deleted and nuked and it was tracked down to you.
baseless delusions of grandeur and superiority behind it.
I find this very interesting because although I don't remember what your project was, Alexen, the perceptions of others of your problem sounds similar to my perception of problems in my self. I also have baseless delusions of grandeur sometimes. There's something called "Warsmash Mod Engine" and right now, it's community needs my help to do code reviews, but instead I'm posting here in the late evening for my entertainment before I pass out. And what is that project of mine? Put simply, it's a rewrite of Warcraft 3 in a different game engine to try to prove once and for all that I'm better than everybody. It's... probably actually that stupid.
When I saw the title of this thread I actually mistook it for possibly being my apology thread from a few years ago. I was concerned someone may have necro'ed it, I wouldn't be surprised if the thread title was literally
Apology Thread likewise.
But what's
really, really interesting to me after years of self-reflection is that if we actually look at my "Apology Thread" on Hive, and the stuff I said there, it was actually probably not right.
I wrote it for the purpose of making people feel better about me, not from a genuine point of understanding why I did what I did -- and it doesn't hold up under scrutiny once I got a better handle on my self-reflection. Sure, it's me apologizing for some inconvenience to the community in general. But the stated reasons why, or why I was sorry, or whatever else were actually not correct.
You've actually written a lot less
here about yourself than I wrote
there about myself and that's probably a good thing and may speak to the honesty and simplicity of what you're trying to say.
But this gets to my question, I suppose; are you apologizing because of the goal you want to achieve here on Hive, or are you apologizing because you gained a new understanding of yourself that would warrant acting differently if you ended up in the same situation again?
This does not to me, in hindsight, actually come from a place of understanding my personal problems in my case. It alleges to be sorry for tarnishing my reputation -- grasping at straws for everything from feeling personally unwell, to being in denial, to being upset about Patch 1.33, to "forgetting" the thoughts and opinions of people beyond myself...
It was all emotional damage control coping mechanisms in my brain so that I could return to Hive, without actually understanding myself. And I accepted these lies I told myself as my truth, until I was confronted purely by accident with a video on my computer recorded 2 weeks prior to my fake Warsmash C&D that created so much chaos. I had completely forgotten. And in that video, which I saved on my computer but never uploaded anywhere, I explained (while not taking it very seriously) to the camera why I wanted to disappear myself from Warcraft III modding
and why.
And importantly, that explanation of
why did not appear anywhere in my apology thread at all. It did not even occur to me. I had already forgotten. I was just doing emotional damage control, trying to go back to my previous habits and revert.
Suppose for a moment, Alexen, that unlike me you did not happen to turn on a camera 2 weeks prior to what you did to this community and explain to the camera "I want to do this to the community. I want to do this and here is why." And so you will never be graced with the chance to watch a video of your own face explaining why you actually wanted to do something that negatively impacts others, and might instead want to lie to yourself (like me) and forget why.
Do you have in mind any strategy for
finding that why or being a better person? Do you think you'll ever bump into your own lost secrets that give you an opportunity to share where you went wrong with renewed self-understanding?
Or do you just want other people to... pretend like nothing happened... because that's more advantageous to you?
I apologize if it's a harsh question but because of the similar-but-different circumstances of what I myself did in the past, maybe I have this sort of interesting perspective that lets me try to frame an interesting question to see if you can figure the answer.
