• Listen to a special audio message from Bill Roper to the Hive Workshop community (Bill is a former Vice President of Blizzard Entertainment, Producer, Designer, Musician, Voice Actor) 🔗Click here to hear his message!
  • Read Evilhog's interview with Gregory Alper, the original composer of the music for WarCraft: Orcs & Humans 🔗Click here to read the full interview.

Treachery

Status
Not open for further replies.

frostwhisper

Media Manager
Level 52
Joined
May 25, 2007
Messages
4,258
Our tragic story takes place in a secluded little kingdom, which over many years of hard labor by both the normal residents and the royalty (including the king himself) had been shaped into a miniature paradise.

One of the villagers, Omarn, was a hard-working fellow. For him contributing to the society was a daily basis. He had devoted nearly his entire spare time to art. Although merely a villager, Omarn had many acquaintances among the townsfolk and even the nobility. Fritz, the general of the kingdom’s army for instance, along with the local priest Erasmus and Liana, another devoted artist were Omarn’s best friends.

One fateful day, a stranger arrived in the capital. By the looks of his accent he was definitely a foreigner from beyond the kingdom’s known borders. This alien seemed rather nice and was greeted warmly by the locals. His attitude towards them was nothing but loving.

It wasn’t long before the stranger settled in a small house near Omarn’s. His loving personality soon vanished and he ignored his fellow villagers as much as possible. One night, as he was taking an evening walk, Omarn saw him talking to General Fritz. As he neared the couple, Omarn heard that the stranger was literally overwhelming Fritz with compliments.

“Rather strange” Omarn thought, as he remembered how cold the alien had acted with the villagers earlier that day.

Strange it was, indeed. In the course of the next couple of days Omarn noticed the foreigner complimenting other members of the nobility. It seemed that he was especially nice to those who had more power. Omarn asked Liana and Erasmus if they had noticed this eerie behavior. It turned out that they both shared his observations.

As Omarn expected, the foreigner soon made his way to the king. He saw them talk in the park a week later. The alien had already dazzled the king with his usual remarks (this time about how good the king’s clothes looked). The king, who had this one weakness, he loved to be praised, had completely succumbed to the alien’s words and gladly accepted to hire him in the royal castle as fashion expert.

The alien’s job was to pick the king’s clothing every day out of the thousands of clothes present in the royal wardrobe. He didn’t take his job seriously however. He picked the ugliest rugs but always managed to convince the king that he looked wonderful. The people, afraid of the king’s wrath did not say a word. The foreigner’s scheme had worked. He was now living among the nobility, in the comfort of the castle.

Omarn however was getting angry. As more and more people saw through the alien’s treachery, Omarn suffered from it. He had always dreamt to work alongside his friends in the higher layers of society. With the nobility’s blindness for the alien however, Omarn’s work was completely neglected. Even his friend Fritz had succumbed to the alien's treachery.

One day, word was sent that the king would give his assistant the honorable title “Master”. Driven by despair, despite the warnings by Liana and Erasmus, Omarn marched into the throne chamber and pointed his finger at the foreigner accusing him of the crimes he had observed.

Blindly the king accused Omarn of heresy and banned him from the kingdom. Omarn’s friends were never to speak of the accident ever again. The fraud was victorious. Life moved on in the small kingdom. Everyone did their jobs accordingly, like bees in a hive...
 

frostwhisper

Media Manager
Level 52
Joined
May 25, 2007
Messages
4,258
It was supposed to mimic a situation that occurred in the Hive a while ago.
Most of the names give the info away...

But I don't think you'd really care about my problems. I think it is better for this story to rest for now.

Oh and thanks for showing interest in my writing.
 
Level 15
Joined
Dec 12, 2006
Messages
1,664
I'd be interested in listening to what you might have a problem with. Maybe I can help you. Maybe I can't. But at least give me a chance, you know? I'm not evil, and I can't bite you from across the screen.
 

frostwhisper

Media Manager
Level 52
Joined
May 25, 2007
Messages
4,258
Well, you have the priest, Erasmus.
You have one of the highest nobles in the kingdom, General Fritz.

You have this alien, who goes through thousands of clothes every day, yet approves many of the wrong ones, has been given a title Master, and cannot speak the kingdom's language very well, which makes him look rather silly.

Let's see if you figure it out :p
 
Level 3
Joined
Dec 22, 2007
Messages
35
Pretty decent, some suggestions:

-Ditch phrases like "one fateful day." You use some cliché-type phrases like these.

-Use another word to replace all instances of the word alien, sticking with foreigner would be better. Maybe you can think of something else.
 
Level 15
Joined
Dec 12, 2006
Messages
1,664
Good point, 2seksi. Oh, and frostwhisper and brad.dude, I have NO idea what you guys are talking about. You have me confused. Explain yourselves!
 
Level 36
Joined
Mar 15, 2006
Messages
7,945
Yeah, it was a rather frightening situation (until certain people... cough.. Erasmus... began talking sense again) and then we were good. That doesn't make the Master any less.... annoying...

Regardless, it would take a big long time, and it really doesn't matter anymore, so just enjoy the story at face valuye rather than getting a laugh from all of the hidden allusions :p
 
Level 15
Joined
Dec 12, 2006
Messages
1,664
I)eadNerzhul chuckles heartily and clashes his mug of ale with the Dwarf next to him.

"Frostwhisper, you clown, shawt' down and hawv' a drink!"

The drunk Dwarf eyes the bartender. "Ey' you! Tall man! Get me' friend some ale!"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top