The Sunken Island

[Japut3h]

Deleted. The story sucked ass.

 

[Longvie]

Well, I read it all (almost) and its pretty good to be your first, but there are a few bad things in it:

my god they are here they are awake grumbling walking they are coming for me this place is shaking its sinking they are closer have to run have to run have to ru

What? I mean, they are coming for him and hes writing in his diary? What kind of fool he is?

After hours of my walk I came to the end of the tunnel. It was a small room, lit up. Lit up, by nothing. I could see all of it very well, but no torches were there. No flashlights. Nothing.

It was full of deadmen.

I didnt like that part. Could have been better. I mean, not changing the story, but changing the expressions and the way of telling it.

And

They want us to join them.

I'd remove that.

The rest of the story its really good. It's not veeeery original, but why does it have to be? Almost nothing is original now. And well, its one of the few stories that interested me (not that I read alot). Even though the end isnt so good, its fine.
As I said, its good to be your first story. Much better than what I could ever do.

 

[Japut3h]

Well thanks. I personally think it sucked. I'd boo at it if it was a movie, too many stuff makes no sense, or is just plain old stupid. But ill try and change it soon.

And the diary writing while they were coming can be looked upon this way: He wrote so much and so often and lacked society so much, it became a habit he couldn't rid off, so in a delirium of his mind or something, he just did it subconcioussly.

Anyway,maybe he just tossed the diary away at that point and ran. Maybe he even swam away and survived but thats not likely.

Edit: Edited the dullest parts of it. Hopefully it will be more interesting (and more scary).

I will probably delete this. It sucks ass, and i've just written something much better.