[Poem]: Rebirth

[Celaquil]

Some few of you guys might have heard of this little story I keep on
writing called "Dawn of Life." I've recently taken to speed up the process
of that project, and as a part of this rekindle, I've revised a poem that
is to be included in it. Which describes the arrival of the to-be antagonist
of the story to the world of Origon, where the story takes place.

It's not much in way of a poem, such as in having deep roots in abstract
meanings, but I thought I'd share it regardless, see what you think about
it and all Here you go:

Rebirth

Eyes open, the world is wrong
Closed, yet here still is song
Songs of birds scars his ears
Opened, his sight blurs in tears
Upon his eyes is vision smeared:

Green and blue,
Bright and true.

“End this all” his mind is screaming
“All will end” he keeps on dreaming
This wonder, the world, so teeming
And he, he’ll rise, anew and beaming
To rend this dawn in blood and night.

Dead and right,
Black or white.

Rise again, his limbs shiver
Stretching now, fingers quiver
Eyes wide open, the world waver
Bending, breaking, braver…

Upon his eyes is vision dear
Opened, he sees abeyance clear
Songs of birds are no more
Closed, silence to alone adore
Eyes open, to the world of yore.

 

[N.Knight]

Nice and fitting intro for an antagonist or a miss guided anti hero. I like it.

 

[Vengeancekael]

That was a nice read.
I wasn't aware of this talent of yours.

"And he, he’ll rise, anew and beaming
To rend this dawn in blood and night."
My favorite part, I can really see the image in my head.

"Upon his eyes is vision dear
Opened, he sees abeyance clear"
Great transition!

 

[Celaquil]

I wasn't aware of this talent of yours.

I wasn't aware of this interest of yours

And thanks, the both of you, I'm really happy with how this one turned out.

 

[PROXY]

In the first paragraph, the s at the end of scars really bugs me. I'm not that fitting in english, but it shouldn't be there should it? Kind of bugged my while reading.

Anyway. I'm not really good when it comes to poem-techniques so I always judge them (and when I write them myself) how they feel when reading and how they sound in my head.

Rebirth

Eyes open, the world is wrong
Closed, yet here still is song
Songs of birds scars his ears
Opened, his sight blurs in tears
Upon his eyes is vision smeared:

Green and blue,
Bright and true.

“End this all” his mind is screaming
“All will end” he keeps on dreaming
This wonder, the world, (kind missing something here, a gap filler as it kind of makes a pause when reading) so teeming // either that OR remove that comma and it would feel better too.
And he, he’ll rise, anew and beaming
To rend this dawn in blood and night. (Man I love that part)

Dead and right,
Black or white.

Rise again, his limbs shiver (don't like the transition between the words, just kind of uncomfortable to read)
Stretching now, fingers quiver
Eyes wide open, the world waver (not sure I understand this one, do you mean the world wavers or literally the world-waver?)
Bending, breaking, braver…

Upon his eyes is vision dear
Opened, he sees abeyance clear
Songs of birds are no more (kinda harsh transition again, but not as strong as the one above)
Closed, silence to alone adore
Eyes open, to the world of yore.

-----

Just to say it again, these are just personal notes and preferences.

 

[Warseeker]

A great and an interesting intro, too small for a poem but it's good, I love the tips

 

[Celaquil]

Thanks for your opinions, Proxy.

Even though I consider this poem completed, I'll look into some of the points you made,
especially the grammar ones, I consider myself rather versed in the English language,
but as a non-native speaker, I am certainly prune to make mistakes.

too small for a poem

Thanks for the kind words, but this, this is offensive.
Poems doesn't have minimum lengths, I've seen poems
as short as two lines and as long as 500 lines.

Get your facts straight, please.

 

[Heinvers]

In fact this quite a reading for me. It just tingles your senses in a blossoming like state.

Lovely.