My First Poem on Hive

[arafor]

Dying

The warmth on my lips gone,
the sirens singing like a song.
This is not the way I wanted to die,
all my life I accomplished nothing for I was too shy.
So many things left undone,
never even having a son.
So Death take me but hear this,
my name will live on when I'm in the abyss.

 

[shadow3]

I liked it.
It's really nice.

 

[X.e.r.e.X]

How can anybody sing like a song?
These emo poes are getting old really

 

[TheBlooddancer]

Agreed, i wondered at that part too, and 'I never even had a son'

 

[arafor]

How can anybody sing like a song?
These emo poes are getting old really

Ummmm emo? I don't think so. Thanks shadow3 and blooddancer. Just a forum question. The next poems I write should I post them all in one thread?

 

[Vampiro320]

"I never even had a son." Hmm...Maybe he just had 5 girls. And just because it sounds a little depressing we all assume it is emo? Death is nothing to celebrate...Except in some cases. But lets not get into detail about that.

 

[arafor]

Vampiro that is one way to interpret the poem. The thing about being depressing and not being emo is true also.

 

[t3h b055]

Not bad, an interesting start.

 

[Vampiro320]

Yeah it isn't too bad a poem really.

 

[GhostG45]

It's all right. I'm still trying to think of a Beatles song that can match the rythym so I can sing it though...

 

[~Void~]

Figures. Ahh, how I love depressing emo poetry.

 

[arafor]

Its Not Emo Poetry!!!!!!!!1

 

[GhostG45]

Don't go cutting yourself up about how we're all calling it emo poetry arafor. We all know you want to.

Haha, just kidding.

 

[~Void~]

It Is Emo Poetry!!!!!!!!1

Why Doesnt Anyone Understand Me?!?!?!?!?!?!/1

 

[arafor]

don't Go Cutting Yourself Up About How We're All Calling It Emo Poetry Arafor. We All Know You Want To.

Haha, Just Kidding.

Lol!!!

 

[Naze]

You only did that out of boredom/felt ispired or you actually live in that atmosphere?

 

[arafor]

A poet does not reveal theri secrets. Or at least not this one

 

[DrazharLn]

Its Not Emo Poetry!!!!!!!!1

Lol!!!

Multiple exclamation marks, a sure sign of madness D:

I thought the poem was ok, but a few bits jarred for me:

the sirens singing like a song.

Why only like a song? This line doesn't read well for me.

all my life I accomplished nothing for I was too shy.

Needs a comma or a linebreak methinks

never even having a son.

I would have used the past tense here, I think had would have read better.

my name will live on when I'm in the abyss.

I like this final line, I read it with a pause between "on" and "when".

Please don't take offence from what I've written. All I've done is presented my personal opinion.

[EDIT] I need 1000 more posts, stat!
clue: This is my 337th post.

 

[arafor]

Thank you for the constructive critism I sure I will use this knowledge in later poems

 

[iSky]

Nice!! more more more!!

 

[Sergeant Ray]

Oh Jesus fucking tap dancing Christ on a stick!

An RPGal at THW, get that shit outa here, you piece of suck!

Nah just kidding Arafor. Loved the poetry, but I feel I've seen it before. hmm

 

[Nbah]

It's very, very nice and I loved it. I would like to see some more, so sometime write more and post, you're very good at it.