Joke Thread

[v3ck]

Post jokes. This is not a joke.

No Chuck Norris.

 

[Dork990]

I think this counts as a joke!

 

[Shados]

@Dork990 ROFL*~57.84952

Anyway, check out my journal on this site, I think it counts as a joke:
http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1098

 

[asasin850]

Man walks into a bar. he said ouch...


HAHAHAHAH


i feel like a 2 year old....

 

[RepeaT]

two men come out of a bar pissed as farts and see some nuns across the street, for no apparant reason one of the guys sprints at one of the nuns and spear tackles her to the ground and starts throwin punches at her, picks her up shirt fronts her and says "not so tuff are you now batman"

 

[asasin850]

**Cough**Cough**


**Watches tumbleweed drift past**

 

[RepeaT]

i thought my effort was a bit better than yours at least, anyway heres another one:

a messy lookin abo walks into a bar with a seagull sittin on his shoulder, the barman asks " well where did you get him from them?" the seagull turns to look at the barman and says "from the tip"

 

[Healingpoison]

3 Men reach heaven (Man 1, Man 2, and Man 3)

St. Peter says "Welcome to heaven. There is one rule, dont step on the grass"

All three men say "ok"

So Man 1 & 2 are playing around one day and Man 1 falls on the grass.

Suddenly a extremely ugly women appears and says "For stepping on the grass I'm going to be your wife for eternity"

Man 1 becomes angry and throws Man 2 on the grass

Then, an evenly uglyer women appears and says she is to be his wife for all enternity.

Later, Man 1 & 2 are hanging and Man 3 comes with a very, very pretty women

Man 1 asks "How did you get a wife so pretty?"

The women says "I stepped on the grass."

 

[asasin850]

Well this is an old one and im not sure if its funny anymore cas ive heard it so many tiems but im bored and i cant remember anything else

So theres a blond a brunette and a redhead trapped on an island.

The nearest civilised island is 20 km away.
The brunet swims for it, gets 5km and drowns
The red head swims for it gets 10 km's and drowns.

The blonde swims for it ges 15km, gets tired and swims back.

 

[Healingpoison]

haha. thats good.

 

[asasin850]

Lol i just read teh canadian Amercan one..


Fucking funny...

Dum shit yanks

 

[Kimer]

Man walks into a bar. he said ouch...


HAHAHAHAH


i feel like a 2 year old....

Arent you? :O

 

[Malufa]

Man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Sir, I am willing to bet you €100 I can make your camel over there in the corner laugh."
Bartender looks at the young lad and states, "I think I will have to take you up on that offer sonny."
So the man goes over to the camel, whispers something in his ear and walks off. The camel starts laughing so hard he actually falls to the ground, the whole bar hears it and cannot believe their ears.
Man walks up to the bartender again and tells him "Before I take your money, I am willing to triple the reward if I can make him cry just as hard, if you are not too chicken for it."
Bartender laughs at the remark and, thinking he will get his money back and then some more, takes him up on the offer. So the young man walks back over to the camel, turns his back to the bartender and everyone else in the building. Within seconds the camel is bawling crying, tears just rain down his face like rivers.
Man goes back to the bartender who, while handing over the €300 asks what happened. The guy replies "Well I made him laugh by telling him that I had a bigger dick than he did, I made him cry by showing it to him."

 

[Dork990]

ROFLMAO! That one was funny...

 

[Malufa]

*Bows*
Thank you very much. I know a good one about a preacher and a rabbi that I might tell over the weekend, if other people wish to keep up to momentum for right now.

 

[Shados]

A bear and a rabbit are walking in a forest when they come across a genie, the genie tells them they can each have three wishes. The bear says he will go first and wishes "I wish all the bears in this forest were female and horny except for me." And it is done. Then the rabbit wishes "I wish I had a motorbike." And one appears with a puff of smoke. For his second wish, the bear says "I wish all the bears in the continent were female and horny except for me." and the genie waves his hands and it is done. Then the rabbit says "I wish I had a motorbike helmet." for his second wish and one appears with a puff of smoke. For the bear's third wish he says "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female and horny except for me." and a flash of light goes off and it is done. Then the rabbit puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, revs the engine and says "I wish the bear was gay." and drives off.

@ Malufa
There's your momentum.

 

[VictorOfSweden]

Funny one

 

[Darkdraak]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

[Shados]

Here's another one:
Three guys go on a hot air balloon ride, once they're in the air the first guy accidentaly drops a pencil off the edge. A minute later the second guy gets bored and chucks off a paper plane, later, when the others aren't watching, the third guy throws a bomb out of the balloon. When they land back on the ground they start walking down the street and they see a kid crying and holding his eye. They ask the kid, "Why are you crying?" and he replies, a pencil fell out of nowhere and hit me in the eye. They keep walking down the street and see a kid coughing violently and holding his throat, so they ask him, "Why are you coughing?" and he replies between coughs, "Because a paper plane flew out of the sky and into my mouth. They keep on walking and then they see a kid laughing his head off, so they ask, "Why are you laughing?" and the kid says, "I farted and the house behind me blew up."

 

[VictorOfSweden]

LOL

 

[Shados]

Yeah that one's an old joke, I SERIOUSLY doubt anyone here has heard it before, though I'm interested if you have and if so where?

 

[VictorOfSweden]

LOL = Lots of laught / Laughing out loud (Not sarcastic!). I think you misunderstood me

 

[Malufa]

I learned this one when I was visiting america while Bill Clinton was president;

Bill Clinton goes walking down a beach and finds an old Arabic lamp in the sand. He picks it up, mumbles about litter, then polishes it to see if he can go sell it to a pawn shop for some singles for the local strip club. Out pops a Djinn, erupting in fire, with a voice of a thousand fires says "I am the Djinn of the lamp and you are entitled to one wish mortal, anything your heart can concieve of is yours for the granting."

Bill Clinton thinks about it a little bit and tells the Djinn "I wish for world peace."

The Djinn looks confused and replies, "I have been asleep a long time, and I do not know the state of global affairs. Please enlighten me so that I can grant your wish." So Clinton pulls out the ever handy globe and starts to talk about how everything is going, who is killing who, and so forth. After four hours the Djinn says with great dismay, "I am sorry, mortal, but I cannot grant your wish, it is beyond even my powers. I will grant you one other wish, however, anything else at all."

Without a seconds hesitation Clinton blurbs "Can you make my wife Hilary and my daughter Chelsea pretty?"

The Djinn again asks to see pictures of the two of them and upon viewing the fotos proclaims loudly "What was that first wish again?"

 

[Shados]

I know what lol means lol, why did you think I though you were being sarcastic?

lol, nice joke Malufa.

 

[VictorOfSweden]

@ Shados: NVM... I have never heard your joke before and therefore I laughed when I read it.

@ Malufa: Hehe, nice one

Now here's a joke form me:
A man and his wife no longer spoke to eachother, since a fight they had earlier that day. When the wife walked over to her bed she found a note on her pillow reading "Wake me up at 7 am tomorrow". When the man woke up at approximatly 10 am the next day, he found a note next to him reading "Wake up, it's 7 o'clock!".

 

[Malufa]

Here is a funny shirt site: www.bustedtees.com

I think I like this one the best: http://www.bustedtees.com/shirts/sweatshops