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Into the Night Eternal

Discussion in 'Screenwriting, Storyboarding & Concept Creation' started by don_svetlio, Jan 25, 2013.

  1. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    Into the Night Eternal
    This is a side project of mine that was originally intended to be just a way of expressing myself depending on the situation but now it has evolved and has some sort of storyline. Although chapters are short (4-6 stanzas) I spend a lot of time working on them so that they can be as good as I am able to make them. I'm very anxious about completing the series I've planned and will be releasing a new one every 2 weeks or so. Hope you enjoy them

    Here's a basic list of characters so far:
    -The Forgotten Knight
    -The Female Voice in his head
    -The Wolf

    PS - I do not own the image(s) and do not claim any rights over them
    Chapter One
    [​IMG]
    Into the Night Eternal
    Chapter One - Awakening

    Trudging through the night,
    surrounded by black light,
    loneliness echoed by darkness' blight,
    not a single soul in sight.

    Hours pass, what difference does it make,
    to see the light, what does it take?
    Silently watch as the dawn makes its break,
    leaving nothing but a husk in its wake.

    "Wake up, you must! . . . look thou around,
    your soul is not yet to the shadows bound.
    Take up thy sword and rise from the ground,
    break the entanglement, faster than sound."

    "Needn't you fear the spirits' sight,
    lead you thine blade shall through the night,
    guiding and protecting thou with thy might,
    purging the shadows with searing light."

    Chapter Two
    [​IMG]
    Chapter Two - Under the Dark

    Dark nightmare, accursed dream,
    endless this place is made to seem.
    "Do not listen as the spirits scream,
    else thy soul thou will never redeem.

    Sensing the presence. "You are not alone",
    feel the cold gaze, down to the bone.
    Silence is broken by a petrifying moan,
    "There is something to thou, yet to be shown."

    No place to go, cornered from every side,
    no more running, nowhere to hide.
    Tighten the grip as the shadows subside,
    trust the blade and thou it shall guide.

    Out of the shadows he then appeared,
    a silver wolf, and one to be feared.
    With a single howl, in a spell, he cleared,
    the dark mists and the shadows smeared.

    The air freezes as time stands still,
    light wind breezes, bringing a hollowed chill.
    Both sides strong, though not even in skill,
    neither of them charging, an imminent thrill.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2013
  2. DZerpic

    DZerpic

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    Very nice!

    I admire people that write poetry coz' I honestly don't know how to structure a poem. I know it's not hard, but I just didn't pay any attention at all to my literature teacher. I was, most likely, thinking about WC3, Diablo 2 and Half-life 2. lol.

    Anyways, keep them up!
    (and then make a map based around them!)
     
  3. Pharaoh_

    Pharaoh_

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    I like how the poem goes, but I feel the need to suggest some technical issues.

    1) You describe a completely dark scenery with no sight of life. The line "loneliness echoed by darkness' flight," may create the image that since darkness "flies", it may turn into daylight or some other source of light disrupts the dark atmosphere. However, since the atmosphere remains the same, you could shift the word "flight" with "blight", to manifest the power of darkness, to an extent that is physically painful. You can see how darkness could be compared to fire in this case, fire is catastrophic but silent, unless it burns something. This way, you create a transition of traits and you display the potential of the object you refer to (in your case, darkness).

    2) "it's" -> "its" (in both "break" and "wake")

    3) "Silently watch as the grey dawn makes it's break,
    leaving nothing but a hollowed husk in it's wake."

    Remove the "gray" and "hollowed", because they are quite unnecessary; we have already concluded with the whole picture from your first verse.

    Additionally, the vocal aspect will flow smoother,

    "Silently watch as the dawn makes its break,
    leaving nothing but a husk in its wake."

    4) "lead you thine blade shall through the everlasting night,"
    Completely breaks the pace. You need to shorten it.

    "Needn't you fear the evil blight"; since I previously suggested the word "blight" instead of "flight", you can rephrase this into: "Needn't you fear the evil's might" - it still retains the meaning.

    5) "Take up thy sword, rise from the ground,"

    Using "and" in between, instead of a comma makes it sound better:

    "Take up thy sword and rise from the ground,
    break the entanglement, faster than sound."

    6) Finally, it looks a bit unfinished, what are those quotes that pop out all of a sudden? Some inner thoughts, some external voice or did you intentionally leave it to the reader's imagination? What's the result of all these actions that this voice proposes?
     
  4. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    Thank you for the suggestions Pharaoh and I agree with them. As for the voice, it's a bit of everything. There is nobody anywhere near but yet this female voice is somehow heard, echoed in the distance. It will be revealed later as this is only meant to set the mood and see how if it's the right way to go with the whole poem.
     
  5. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    UPDATE: Been some time, hasn't it? I'm sorry for the wait but was sick then I had excess work and just forgot about this. No matter, I'm back to working on it and as proof, enjoy chapter two. Cheers.
     
  6. Codric

    Codric

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    Thine Shall be rewarded for Thy Stories!
    Good Job DS!
     
  7. Keiji

    Keiji

    Terrain Moderator

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    There's some points of Pharaoh's I want to argue, and discuss.
    - But I currently don't got time, I'll be back, tough, for that.

    I kind of like what I'm reading, and seeing someone aspiring to write poetry is always refreshing,
    I've been attempting some of my own as of late, I'll see if I can't post some of what I've got :)

    Currently, there's only some small matters that uphold me;

    Somehow the totality doesn't flow as perfectly as it should, there's likely some words
    that could be omitted to that end, but as previously mentioned; little time.

    Somehow I also take myself being a tad frustrated at the fact that we're really not getting anywhere,
    there's a lot of description and some re-description of what have already been described, and not an
    awful lot of progress, you might want to take that into consideration.
    - Oh and, if I were you I'd be careful with my "thy's" and "thou's," while I see the temptation in using
    them and understand the way it makes the story feel nicer, it's also not too good using only some
    words like that and not follow suit by making the language complete.
    - I'm no expert on the style, but I get the feeling when reading it that something is lacking from the
    "complete package," and that in turn gives me this feeling of an impressionistic attempt at making a
    voice sound more "Epic."

    Keep it up, I'm definitively interested in reading any upcoming updates.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2013
  8. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    I agree about the slow pace of things, that's something I am working on but it will take
    some time before I manage to get more of it complete as I'm currently being steamrolled by school stuff.
     
  9. Faith

    Faith

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    I like it! :D
    Poetry is cool and you're pretty damn good. :)
     
  10. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    Thanks Lizzie :) <3
     
  11. darkceus

    darkceus

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    Good poetry skills. I have always admired reading poetry in its traditional form, but it kills me that I cannot write good ones. Here's just a small thing:

    "There is something to thou, yet to be shown."

    I don't really feel 'thou' is in the right place in here. I think (or feel) 'thee' would sound pleasant to me. I don't know if I'm wrong or right, I just feel it.

    "There is something to thee, yet to be shown."
    ---
    "trust the blade and thou it shall guide."

    I also don't feel this being 'good'. I don't know. If I substitute 'thee', I don't really get much of the good feeling too, so.. mmmm.. I don't know any good words to replace it for now.

    So, yeah, that's it. Keep up the food work--err, good work. :goblin_good_job:
    (keyboards these days)