Gyllie Corperations Novel: Introduction + Short Excerpt. Feedback/Criticism Accepted!

[EclecticAcid]

"The cold black heart is ruthless,
it's grasp of harm and fear.
The bright red heart is kindness,
a silent prayer to those who hear."
A.G, 2020

R.I.P
Andison Groves
Estimated Date of Decease: 2020, December 14, 9:30pm
Date of Deceased Body Recovery: 2020, December 25, 4:20pm

"Fear leads to isolation,
but pain evokes revenge.
Physical pain hurts,
but sadness hurts more."

"The loss of someone dear,
is felt in one's heart.
And in the heart is love."

"Love... the most powerful force on Earth."
J.G, 2021

I WILL AVENGE

GYLLIE
CORPERATIONS
AVENGER OF WAR

Chapter 1: Prolouge
2020, December 14, 8:45pm

The cold black heart was ruthless, indeed. It sought it's prey at night, stalking and waiting. It's fingers close around a trigger, and the first shot is fired. The first shot, the first death. The evoking of a once lively soul: now drifting scared and lonely through the mind of it's killer, it's attacker.

"I'll be back at ten," said Andison Groves to his mother while putting on a thick black jacket. It was pouring with rain outside, and he'd be soaked to the bone without the overlapped leather built for harsh weather conditions. "I'm going down to the SuperCo factory so I can pick up my cheque."

"Which one?" his mother asked while pouring a cup of coffee and sitting down at the kitchen table. Andy looked up and raised an eyebrow, but she elaborated further. "The one your father works at or the other one?"

"Oh, the other one. I don't work at Dad's anymore, remember?" his mother nodded and smiled. Andy picked up his car keys and stepped into the hallway. But as he exited towards the door, he felt his heart turn cold and almost suck in on itself. Something wasn't right... but what could possibly happen?

It stalked him from that point of his exit of the safe haven of his mother's house. Silent, moving with the wind. Invisible to the eye: it approached.

... ... ...

Any good? Any feedback or criticism is much appreciated and welcomed. Anything you would change or make different? How do these paragraphs appeal to you: in a scary way, an emotional way, a tensed-up way? Do you think it is a good/great opening for a story built up on the emotions of a man looking for vengeance against the killer of his brother?

If I get enough feedback and comments, I will post more to this thread or another, possibly an entire chapter.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Celaquil]

Well, for one, you might want to consider having the information text BEFORE the actual story part, especially
considering how confusing your text is. I couldn't honestly know or guess this to be a tale of a brother avenging
his fallen brother, and I kind of still don't see it. Remember, always, that when you're writing a story you're not
writing it for yourself, you're writing it to a complete stranger. It's easy to understand everything when you're
the god of your own world, but in all other cases than yourself when you're not, things might become a mite confusing.

My first advice is this, look over your work and ask yourself: Can anyone ELSE than me understand this?

Other than that, I like the general tone of your writing, there's a fair deal of excessive words and phrases, though.
Always keep in mind that the words you chose should be important somehow, either as important descriptive
words or important emphasisers, anything extending that might easily, and in most cases preferably, be omitted.

You should also consider setting both the "poem" and the "death report" in some form of context, not just have them
as standalone fucking confusing texts, but somehow tie them into the actual story, such as having one of the
characters read it out or setting it together with something that gives it a meaningful context.

I reckon there's more to shave here, but I'm only a coiffeur in short and unpredictable intervals.

 

[EclecticAcid]

Mystery. Confusion. Thoughtless text: Read on!

The grave headstone before the actual story is probably the most important piece of text. Why? It adds to the tension, building up inside the reader.

However, your criticism is well written and thought-out. The 'death report' and the 'poem' are both a part of this grave stone, however the last poem was written by dear Jason Groves, brother of Andy. Jason will be seen and followed writing this in the dead of night with the blood of Andy's murderer later on in the story...

Of course, this is all hard to understand with just these few short excerpts. But as I add more and more to it, I hope you will be able to make sense of the positioning of the pieces of this text.

 

[Celaquil]

Ah, pride, such a dangerous feeling.

Mystery. Confusion. Thoughtless text: Read on!

While I can agree to the first two statements, I'd argue that thoughtless text is merely thoughtless text and not worth anyones time reading. See the first line in any book is the most important line of them all, that is where you hook the reader, that is where you set the tone for the rest to follow, if you can't nail that, then there's little hope for the rest of the work.

Now, I'm not saying yours is terrible, actually, it's rather decent, it does inspire some curiosity, but it doesn't leave much in the sense of "wonder."

The cold black heart is ruthless,
it's grasp of harm and fear.

This doesn't reveal anything about anything, it's merely words on a cold stone, and the reader doesn't even know it's on a stone at this point, sure it's well written, but it doesn't entice as much interest as it could have done. I suggest you add a small statement before the poem, something like:

"Through the blurred film of heavy rain Andison Groves' eyes rested mournfully on the hollow inscriptions that decorated his brother's tombstone:"

With this, you get to state what's happening, what the text is and you give a slight teaser of the fact that Andison's brother is dead, at that the reader will be intrigued by not knowing who Andison is or why his brother is dead, while at the same time you give the first two paragraphs more clarity.

Anyway, obviously you do as you please, and I'm not about to really tell you how to write your own story, simply trying to give feedback where I think it's needed