Fly -

[Celaquil]

While I've been in the position of not having produced anything worthwhile as of late,
I thought I'd share a little poem I wrote a while back, one that's simple been sitting in
my personal folder, gathering dust.

I'm no poet, not at all.
And this isn't really great,
but hey, some of you might
like it, if none at all:

Fly -

I never meant to fly,
Just wanted to watch the world go by,
But now I see what went awry,
As I find myself on a cloud,
High up - into the sky.

It really, really hit me hard,
Like the violin of a bard,
Sung his song to make me lard,
Now I find it like - to the ace of hearts,
Such a really, really lovely card.

And here I am all in doubt,
Like a cloud of rain before a drought,
Pondering my silent bout,
Debating ponderings, pondering back,
Finding myself in fear - of bailing out.

I scarcely hope to achieve my goals,
My consciousness as black as coals,
And if ever I really had a soul,
It’d kick like a shrieking foal,
Begging mercy to sober and cry.

As I float away,
On a wind in the sky.

Blablabla, comments and criticism and all that, welcome and granted.

 

[Deleted member 212788]

I really like the message it conveys, at least to me. The fact that we've never imagine ourselves as doing something important and when it happens we find ourselves fearing failure and constantly doubting our abilities, often thinking of quitting. I'm not sure if that was your intention with it but those are the thoughts it invokes in me. Also, a little critique, the rhyming scheme from what I saw was:

A
A
A
B
A

C
C
C
D
C

E
E
E
F
E

G
G
G
G
H

I'd personally recommend doing something with those odd ones in each pentastich, maybe rhyming them with each other or with the last couplet. Not that it doesn't work as it is, it's just I believe they hitch the overall flow of the poem. I really like reading your works Keiji, I'd be very much interested in seeing more of them

 

[Celaquil]

Wow, thank you allot! I actually didn't think I'd get any replies to this

Anyway, that's the great thing about poems, they're open sources in the
sense that it's up to the reader to define what the poem means to them, but
I can say that in my case the subject is a tad deeper and more brooding
than the things you pointed to, but then, yours is by no means a poor translation.

About the actual build-up of the poem, while as I stated formerly "I'm no poet"
I did actually consider how to go about this poem pretty closely, the fact that
third line in the three first strophes breaks the rhythm is intentional, and while
sure I could look into them actually rhyming with each other, it'll be hard finding
something that gives the exact same sentiment AND rhymes, not to mention:
I'm not even certain it's going to matter that much to the reader, seeing as they're
so far and in-between, I guess you won't actually notice if they rhyme or not.

About the fourth strophe, the breaking of the rhythm there too is intentional,
but you DID neglect to include fifth strophe in your analyzes;

G
G
G
G
H

I
H

The final word of the second strophe-line in the fifth strophe rhymes with the final word in the fifth
strophe-line of the fourth strophe, and I decided to do it like this to break the rhythm before the
end as a means to pack a finalizing punch.

Again, thank you for reading my work.
It's what I write for.

 

[Deleted member 212788]

I admit, I did neglect the last stanza. Now that you pointed it out, I do see its place and the difference between the first 3 and the 4th stanzas makes a lot more sense. The reason I didn't go further in my translation is because I wasn't really sure if I'd be going too far but now that I know there is more to it, I might try and take a closer look, whenever I have time that is .

 

[Celaquil]

Stanza? That the proper term for it? I can honestly say that I didn't do much research for it,
I just went with the most natural translation from Norwegian. Ah well.

If you ever get time, I'd love to hear another take on it

 

[Soul of Blood]

I suppose I could butt in on this

To me, it seems that the narrator lived, at first anyway, in an unobjective state to what happens around him, preferring to live as if his actions could not be judged or matter to anyone or not be of any great influence. However he is thrust into a new world, high up into the sky, where his responsibilites control him, where he is overpowered by aspects of his life that he never thought he would have, and just as such he is not ready for it, he was not made for it nor can he understand it, and he is afraid that he will not be able to carry out his new duties as his first personality as being unobjective and meaningless is forever residing in him, but he must face his responsibilites and he must change what he is to define himself again as a new being so that he may do what must be done.

I don't know if that was a weak translation or opinion, its late and I'm tired but its what I got from first looking at the poem. Its quite a lovely poem by itself anyhow.