First the Pain Poem

[Austin Groves]

First the Pain
A Poem by Austin Groves

First the Pain, the pain of the rend,
the pain of the hunt, the pain of the end.
Second the Laugh, the laugh of it all,
the laugh of the enemy, the laugh of the fall.

Third the Sorrow, the heart's dearest sin,
the burning guilt, the monstrous thing.
Fourth the Leftovers, the torture and the tears,
the funeral, the grave, the expulsion of fears.

First the Pain, it begins with the pain,
when you die and you end your life insane.
Always the Pain, but not always last,
everytime an impact on human past.

 

[Celaquil]

Awfully staggering, I advice you try reading the poem out loud before you consider yourself satisfied with it. And if you can do that,
without feeling like you've got to draw breath or that the sounds crash with one another, then that's only because you've got a prejudiced
and practiced view on it, because this is awfully hard to read, and follow.

A poem isn't only about rhyming, it's also about flowing like a fluid.

As a little pointer of what I mean,
here's a little rewrite I did of the first
two lines:

"First there's Pain, pain of the rend
the pain of the hunt, pain in the end."

Obviously you don't have to copy that, but you do see how it flows more easily off the tongue?
I also think you should consider re-writing the latter two lines, remove the word "laugh" as it's both
grammatically wrong (proper word: laughter) and it's hard to make anything flow with such an awkward
word. By awkward I mean how it ends in such a stopping motion.

I don't know, it could be something like:

"Then there's laughter, the joke of it all
The laughing of my enemy, the comical fall."

So on, and so forth.

PS: I'd look into ways of removing as many "the" as possible,
it becomes extremely repetitive in that manner.

 

[GhostThruster]

agree with keiji but wud like to add poetry is all about flow, rhyming is optional

 

[Celaquil]

rhyming is optional

Depends on how specific you want to be, "poetry" could be either poems, or prose. In the former rhyming is
necessary, in the latter it's not. And if the former doesn't have rhyming it becomes the latter, by default.

 

[GhostThruster]

No poetry is all structure and rhythm. Prose is the absence of rhythm, not rhyme. You can google if you don't trust me

 

[Celaquil]

It is very opinion based, though

I guess in essence, you could say, based on general guidelines set by certain "authorities"
of certain countries and whatnot, that yeah, sure, rhyming isn't necessary. But I'm
sure as hell certain it's a sentiment of debate among most poets, both large and small, and
in that I am at my full right to keep my opinion that a poem requires rhyming to be called a
poem, regardless of what you, or anyone else, thinks.

I'll agree for the sake of agreeing, though.

 

[GhostThruster]

a word like 'race' is opinion-based, poetry is not. there is not uncertainty on the definition of poetry. there is not a single definition that mentions poems NEED rhyme.

poetry = stylistic mix of poetic devices to create meaning. poetic devices can be repetition. it can be written in a meter. it can be caesuras. it can also be rhyme, but it doesnt have to. its as wrong as saying a sentence is only a sentence if it contains a simile. this is a poem. this is also a poem. ur 'broken bits' passage is closer to poetry than prose, whilst austin's 'black death' is completely prose.

prose = how i'm typing right now. also, "prose" is 'adjective-like' (dunno a better term) in usage. so if u were to say "i am writing a prose" u shud be saying "i am writing in prose, instead of in iambic pentameter".

i dont mean to argue for the sake of arguing/being a douche, but to correct and inform. and golly has this gone off-topic, so ill cease arguing and leave ur opinion alone even if its mistaken

 

[Austin Groves]

Sorry for the late reply.

I'm not sure if I'll go through and change this poem, not that I don't agree with everything you've said. Poetry isn't my kind of thing, which I hope is not obvious =). If you want to change it, feel free.

 

[IamFootman061]

Nice poem.