untitled

[rage321]

In the first days of spring,
When the bird's voices ring,
I climb that old maple tree
Just to feel a little free

This old world can bog you down
But one simple truth has been found
Time is precious, have no doubt
Let your love shine and don't bail out

When I lay in bed at night
I still wonder why we hate and fight
Why we die, where we go, but this I know

I don't know why, oh why,
This world can be so cold
But I will stay, oh stay
Until I'm grey and old

I lay upon the ground and stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die

I don't know why, oh why,
This world can be so cold
But I will stay, oh stay
Until I'm grey and old

 

[Kimbo]

lovely, i really like it, and welcome

 

[rage321]

Thank you! I might add more later, I dunno.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Very well done. Couple errors here and there, but still quite cool. I liked it.

 

[rage321]

what errors could I fix to make it better?

 

[Undead_Lives]

When the birds voices ring,

Should be bird's. It's possessive after all.

Down and found don't rhyme....

I think bale should be bail, but it's possible to use either one according to dictionary.com. However, bail is more often used.

Just a couple things I noticed.

 

[brad.dude03]

I like it. Very nice work You managed to rhyme without making it overly obvious that you were trying to rhyme and you didn't stretch your words in order to try and make things rhyme. Well done, let's see some more

 

[Grivus Dorelock]

It loses its flow halfway through.
It also sounds as if its two completely different poems.
The first half was very nicely done, however it goes down hill from
"When I lay in bed at night
I still wonder why we hate and fight
Why we die, where we go, but this I know"