Poetry

[Mageraon]

So I've decided to show the Hive some of my poetry work. It's slightly philosophical (I think that's the word), and most of it doesn't rhyme, but of course that isn't the point of poetry. I believe it's mostly unique and if it gets enough good feedback, I'll put up a couple more.

If I told you a story,
would you listen?
If it's beginning was great,
the middle was perfect,
would you listen?

What if I told you the end?
Her arms were covered in blood.
Would you listen?
Is that a good enough ending for you?
Would you judge?

You focus your attention on the end.
But what really matters,
is the start.
You don't know her story.
So how can you judge?

Here's the middle, her family is dead.
Here's the start, her boyfriend got sick of her.
Here's the end, her arms were covered in blood.
Would you listen?
Would you judge?

Who cares about the characters.
Who cares about the words.
It's not what you read,
it's what you take in.
It's what you believe.

Get over your problems.
No one cares if you have a cold.
There's people who are worse. Much worse.
And they get laughed at everyday.

So what if she covers her arms?
She's only protecting herself.
Think about what you say.

You call her depresso.
You call her names.
You laugh.
You judge.

What about the full story?

Would you listen?

[Note that this was written for an unnameable friend of mine who went through depression at school.]

 

[iamxaxas]

Looks like I'm your oficial reviewer...

While it isn't a masterpiece, it DOES carry a strong message, which, in my opinion, is very important, and it was written to help a friend in need of it, which is even more important. For that, you earned my respect. I'd give you rep, but I gave you just a few days ago, so...

 

[Mageraon]

Haha looks like you are iamxaxas Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Likewise with the reputation

 

[Soul of Blood]

It's a better poem than what I will ever write, that's true, in other words I'm saying that it is good.

Its a nice gesture to compose poetry for a friend, and I'm not sure whether her rejective boyfriend led to her arms covered in blood nor must I pry to get my answer as I respect privacy, but the one thing that irks me is that you break the rhythm in the poem. Some poems do not rhyme, I can name many, and if you intended for it to be non-rhythmic at those parts it was a bad notion as you began the poem with rhythmic overtones.

As I was reading it, and singing in my head, It was quite fluid, until those dreaded moments where it breaks tone and that just ruined it for me, other than that, it is a good poem. 7/10 (Not that I am to judge anyway, its just my opinion)

 

[Mageraon]

That's alright Soul of Blood. And I should have mentioned that the poem is actually meant to be read in a normal tone, like a story, instead of the usual sing-song sort of poetic voice. Thanks for respecting my friends privacy

 

[Celaquil]

If I told you a story,
would you listen?
If it's beginning was great,
the middle was perfect,
would you listen?

What if I told you the end?

I must commend you on this part, I just absolutely love how
you manage to smack me up right there, such power that stanza
protrudes. The only suggestion I've got, thus far, is that you leave
that one hanging on it's own, to give the reader a good full impression
of it's imprinted expression.

Overall, though, I'm a bit conflicted. While I love the attitude of this
poem, I don't feel like it's completely worked out yet. There are certain
parts I'd personally change around, and certain parts I would completely
omit, like:

Here's the middle, her family is dead.
Here's the start, her boyfriend got sick of her.
Here's the end, her arms were covered in blood.
Would you listen?
Would you judge?

I would simply remove this one, it's repetitive,
breaks the rhythm and kind of doesn't serve any
purpose, other than keeping the reader lingering.

And here comes some other nitpicks:

I'd change "depresso" to "depressed" simply for forms sake.
And this part, to me, seems too specific:

No one cares if you have a cold.

I'd probably rewrite it to something a little more
vague, something like "Who cares for your illness."

Bottom-line point, though, this is a really good idea.
A really good start, and if you work on it some more,
I think it could become a really great poem. Keep on
writing, to me it seems you've got a knack for this.