[Poem] The World Will Cry

[Necziaxxus]

Hey Hive!,

I've been writing poetry for a few years now, and I wanted to share with you what I came up with. This is one I wrote only a few weeks ago.



Listen to the heartful whispers of the wind,
the soft breeze against your skin.
Watch the trees bend only so slight,
and the leaves through rays of light.

Feel the grass on your legs, your feet,
the insects to which they greet.
Smell the rain in the clouds shy,
wait a moment and the world will cry.

Listen to the screaming of the trees,
through the wind and breeze.
Watch the trunks fall in blazes of fire,
watch the black smoke climb higher and higher.

Feel the heat of the flames on your skin,
the war that nature could not win.
Smell the ash and smoke in the sky,
wait a moment and the world will cry.



Tell me what you think, and any feedback/criticism is much appreciated =].

 

[Celaquil]

Meh, another traditionalist >.>

I swear, sometimes I think that's the only kind of poetry anyone knows.
It is a nice poem, though, and although the subject is an overused one.
It still has a good shroud of veil across the overlaying words. So I won't
tell you to be more cryptic in your writing, because this is decent.

My only concerns are some of the stanzas:

Feel the grass on your legs, your feet,
the insects to which they greet.

I'd suggest using "of" instead of "to" in this instance.

Smell the rain in the clouds shy,

I don't particularly like this stanza, you can't "smell"
rain. But you can feel it, like a static calm on your
skin. I think you should try to rephrase this to fit
better with "feeling it."

watch the black smoke climb higher and higher.

I'd break off from the first "higher" and leave "and higher"
as a stanza of it's own, for better emphasis.

the war that nature could not win.

In this case I'd go for either "cannot" or "couldn't".

 

[MasterTrainer]

I'm really feeling like it should be 'the breeze' though. Sounds better to my ears.

Listen to the screaming of the trees,
through the wind and breeze.

 

[meatfactory]

Hey Hive!,

I've been writing poetry for a few years now, and I wanted to share with you what I came up with. This is one I wrote only a few weeks ago.



Listen to the heartful whispers of the wind,
the soft breeze against your skin.
Watch the trees bend only so slight,
and the leaves through rays of light.

Feel the grass on your legs, your feet,
the insects to which they greet.
Smell the rain in the clouds shy,
wait a moment and the world will cry.

Listen to the screaming of the trees,
through the wind and breeze.
Watch the trunks fall in blazes of fire,
watch the black smoke climb higher and higher.

Feel the heat of the flames on your skin,
the war that nature could not win.
Smell the ash and smoke in the sky,
wait a moment and the world will cry.



Tell me what you think, and any feedback/criticism is much appreciated =].

"Smell the rain in the clouds shy,"
the mix up of the words clouds and shy is very displeasing to read.

wind and breeze are essentially the same things.

Feel the grass beneath your (legs) and feet,
the insects to which they greet. - better?

your feet greet the insects?

"Feel the heat of flames upon your skin,
the war that nature could not win." - better?

Not a bad write, not very original as Keiji said, but overall decent.