Perspective

[Celaquil]

Well, as I were saying in that other thread I've been doing some poetry - which isn't true.
I came to notice it wasn't Poetry as much as it was Prose, so I'll have to inhale that statement
and produce a new version: I've been doing some Prose writing as of late.

Without further ado:

Perspective

Like a petal, we’re born fragile and weak.
Drifting on a breeze, we’re influenced by our peers.
Like caught by gusts, we’re torn by impulse.
Descending to water, we safely settle.

Like a petal on water, our ripples affect others.
Floating on a stream, we mould our lives.
Like catching a current, we follow the masses.
Fading into water, we whither and vain,
Like a petal consumed by the deeps.

-

Like a petal, we’re torn from a dying rose.
Drifting on a breeze, of which polluted by others.
Like caught by gusts, we’re stained by choice.
Descending to water, we cage ourselves.

Like a petal on water, we drain our colours.
Floating on a stream, we become part of the poison.
Like catching a current, we spread the venom.
Descending into water, we whither and vain,
Like a petal consuming the deeps.

I must admit to not being awfully happy about this texts,
so any advice or constructive feedback would be nice. If anything,
it's the message of the work I've been mostly concerned about.

 

[DZerpic]

Loved it! I don't have much expertise and knowledge so I can't give you much feedback.

If you were aiming for poetry, yeah, it pretty much isn't. I feel there's no rhyme. But it certainly fits prose-poetry, a genre and style I love. I write somewhat in that style myself.
So, it's not good as a poem because it isn't one. It's poetic prose!

Not that I know much of this stuff even though I like to write but, for what it's worth, your text has my approval and your skills, my admiration.

I like how there's an imaginary line, pointed by the comas, that separates the life rose's "perspective" with ours, the human's "perspective". Having said that, you can read only whats to the left/right of the comas and you'll get to different text. AND actually, the left side of the comas -the Rose's Perspective- is like a chorus; it repeats itself.

After a closer inspection, both halves could be classified as poems themselves. The Man's Perspective has some poetic music and rhyme.

I'll be looking forward for some more! Keep it up!

 

[Edhel-dur]

I think you picked a pretty hard subject.

The subject of "point of view" it's so flexible that it's really anyones guess or opinion. So how do you write such a subject in a manner that it delivers the same sentiment, or idea about it, to the most of the readers if not everyone?

I've read and re-read it, and what I can't discern is if each verse is a different story or just a different perspective to the same story? Am I witnessing the idea of what perception means? Or am I just validating my own perception which I have regardless of the subject.

My instincts tell me that the poem only manages to delivers half of the meaning of it's subject. That said I am not exactly sure how it can be improved upon. How do we explain to other people this notion of perception, or different perceptions, or everyone else has a unique perception upon everything and anything?

Furthermore, I feel like in your poem, the perception is different not in the eye of the beholder, but it has to do more with one's will. Reading this, it tells me we are something, something which changes, depending on our surroundings.

Upon re-reading the first and second lines in each verse, I realized that that might be the problem to your concern. The idea of a different perspectives is best shown on the same one example. Or in other words, all perspectives regarding actions start the same.

For example: Napoleon waged war. It's a fact, everyone knows Napoleon waged war. After this, the different opinions start, opinions which are resulted from different perceptions. Some will say Napoleon waged war because he was forced too, others will say because he wanted to conquer Europe, and others will accept a mix of both. So basically what I'm saying is that in any argument or debate, they arise from a difference in perception, but the start is the same for the both sides.

In the case of your poem, I think the first line of each verse should always be the same, like it's the same story. The second line should be the same in terms of 50-70%. It's the line where you need to suggest the different perception. The lines that follow after need simply to describe and show the end of that perception.

The floral motif might not be the best idea, however I do not have any recommendations upon it.

But to close, I guess in life, anything and anyone can be your solution or your problem depending if you perceive them as your friend or your foe.

If one likes drugs, the father is the foe, the drug dealer is the friend.

If one hates drugs, the father is the friend, the drug dealer is the foe.

...

Roughly.

 

[Celaquil]

Loved it! I don't have much expertise and knowledge so I can't give you much feedback.

If you were aiming for poetry, yeah, it pretty much isn't. I feel there's no rhyme. But it certainly fits prose-poetry, a genre and style I love. I write somewhat in that style myself.
So, it's not good as a poem because it isn't one. It's poetic prose!

Not that I know much of this stuff even though I like to write but, for what it's worth, your text has my approval and your skills, my admiration.

I like how there's an imaginary line, pointed by the comas, that separates the life rose's "perspective" with ours, the human's "perspective". Having said that, you can read only whats to the left/right of the comas and you'll get to different text. AND actually, the left side of the comas -the Rose's Perspective- is like a chorus; it repeats itself.

After a closer inspection, both halves could be classified as poems themselves. The Man's Perspective has some poetic music and rhyme.

I'll be looking forward for some more! Keep it up!

Yeah, no, it's not poetry. We all agree about that.
- And oh, I didn't even know there was such a thing as "poetic prose," at least not as an official thing.

Thanks for the reply and thank you for apprising my prose like that, I must admit I've rather begun liking this style, I might pop out a couple more "Poetic Proses" in a foreseeable future.

Edhel-dur:
Let me dissect your reply and discern the value of your advice.

I think you picked a pretty hard subject.

Well, yes. I can completely agree to that, even though I'm not necessarily making it awfully clear what the actual "subject" of my text really is, to an end the subject is defined by the reader, not the writer in this case.
- Though it might have something to do with perspectives

The subject of "point of view" it's so flexible that it's really anyones guess or opinion. So how do you write such a subject in a manner that it delivers the same sentiment, or idea about it, to the most of the readers if not everyone?

Is the point of writing a text on the subject of perspective to avail the exact same sentiment to all one's readers? I rather think it's more about writing upon a subject of which one has a clear opinion and then let one's readers decide what their gain of reading it is. The thrill of reading more often than not is the sweet notion of fantasy, you perceive the text as you want it to be, regardless of that being the same as the writer.

I've read and re-read it, and what I can't discern is if each verse is a different story or just a different perspective to the same story?

Well, it pleases me that you invested so much time in reading my prose, and while as previously stated I find it irrelevant for me to explain the exact meaning of any particular (or the entire) parts of the text, I can reveal that the point of the prose is to present the same mental picture from two relatively different perspectives (different minds.) Thus the "-" marking the difference.
- If... That wasn't clear by the prose. >.>

Am I witnessing the idea of what perception means? Or am I just validating my own perception which I have regardless of the subject.

Are you witnessing the idea of what perception means, or are you validating your own perception which you have regardless of the subject?
- These are questions I could well ask you, for it is really for you to decide.

My instincts tell me that the poem only manages to delivers half of the meaning of it's subject.

Prose*
- I respect your right to hold such an opinion, and it may well be true.
Though it kind of all depends on what gain you get from reading it.

How do we explain to other people this notion of perception, or different perceptions, or everyone else has a unique perception upon everything and anything?

In a way, that's self-answered. You can't, considering the synopsis of "Perception" being awfully subjective, and meaning different things to different people, one can only present one self's idea of perception for others to accept or discard.

In the case of your poem, I think the first line of each verse should always be the same, like it's the same story. The second line should be the same in terms of 50-70%. It's the line where you need to suggest the different perception. The lines that follow after need simply to describe and show the end of that perception.

Again, Prose*

As far as I can tell, that is the case. Though I guess your thought on the matter is derived from the way you perceive my text, which in that case is not the same as mine.

The floral motif might not be the best idea, however I do not have any recommendations upon it.

I like my floral motif, it stays.

But to close, I guess in life, anything and anyone can be your solution or your problem depending if you perceive them as your friend or your foe.

If one likes drugs, the father is the foe, the drug dealer is the friend.

If one hates drugs, the father is the friend, the drug dealer is the foe.

I'm just going to go on a whim here and claim that you're ranting at this point, for I don't really see how this statement relates to my text.

Mumbo-Jumbo, wobbly shobbly and all that. Thank you both for the helpful and nice replies, and while I don't necessarily agree to all the opinions you've certainly given me food for thought, I might consider some changes to this Prose, or I might just move onto writing a new one.
- Or... I might just not write more Proses, we'll see.

Thanks, again.