Darkness Rises

[MasterTrainer]

In the dead of night, in an unsuspecting village in an unknown location many years ago, a mysterious shadow covered the sky, enclosing the whole village into a dark, dark time of the night, probably the darkest they have and will ever experience. Terrified, the villagers rush out of their houses and run towards the village exit. When they reached the exit, they were surprised and afraid at what they saw. They saw the village again, as if they had entered from the outside.

They try to stay sane in that situation, but some of them just can't. Those whose wills were weak committed suicide. They waited for morning, but they never saw the light of day again. Praying for a savior to come and save them, little did they know that they were already, hopelessly trapped. Trapped in an eternal abyss of misery and darkness.

By the end of the week, only few of the villagers have maintained their sanity, and they're lives as well. The remaining survivors tried everything to get out of the village, but every single time they end up in the same place they started from.

Sources of food and water was becoming scarce after the succeeding weeks, some of the villagers had turn to cannibalism, and some turned to killing one another to increase their chance of survival, because those people believe that the lesser the number of people in the village, the more the food will be less used up.

Two months into darkness. The remaining villagers are less than finger-count. The smell of rotting corpses fill the streets, and the lights they used from fires and torches have run out. Food and water can't be distinguished from feces and urine, nor can they identify what's good or bad, and it seems as they have forgotten of the outside world, or what the "sun" is.

Three months into darkness. Deprived of any reason to live, the remaining villagers take their own lives, and alas, what was once a peaceful village, was now a bloody ruins.

After that did the shadow disappear, and with it the lives of innocent villagers, forced into inhumane actions by insanity.

The mysterious shadow was never seen by anyone, and those that have, never lived to tell the tale.

Thanks for reading.
Feedback is appreciated.

 

[Binsu]

Great story indeed. I love the uses of words and some words are kind of not familiar to me... well.... what I actually mean is its familiar but I dont use them on writing.

I like the way the narrator tells the story. It brings out the full mood and feeling of the story. Nice job indeed!

 

[BreathingAcid]

Ok, read it. I'll give some pointers.

Terrified, the villagers rush out of their houses and run towards the village exit.

Tenses changed from past to present.
Also, use words that seem more fit.

It should be:

Terrified, the villagers rushed out of their homes and ran towards the village exit.

Use semi-colons when using transitional phrases. Also adds a dramatic pause effect.
Use auxiliary verbs (do, have, be, etc.).
Try to avoid repetition of words, use synonyms or create another variation of the phrase.

When they reached the exit, they were surprised and afraid at what they saw. They saw the village again, as if they had entered from the outside.

Should be like:

When they have reached the exit, they were surprised and afraid at what lied in front of them; They saw the village, as if they have entered from the outside.

There were also cases where you used plural forms of nouns instead of their singular forms. Also:

By the end of the week, only few of the villagers have maintained their sanity, and they're lives as well.

*their

Well, I noticed some more but hey, I'm just here to read and point out stuff.
Anyway, this was really interesting. Good job.

 

[MasterTrainer]

1.) Thanks guys for the feedback, especially the poster above me. (BreathingAcid)

2.) I'll improve the story when I get free from schoolwork.

 

[Ofel]

Great story! +Rep

 

[Celaquil]

I guess I'll be the big bad wolf.
- Fear my breath!

While indeed much better than most of what I read on this forum, I still wouldn't say this work is too good. Admittedly a nice idea, but extremely poorly written.

Though before I start pointing out my opinions I'd like to address a matter or two I really don't agree to:

When they have reached the exit, they were surprised and afraid at what lied in front of them; They saw the village, as if they have entered from the outside.

While a fantasy text is mostly written in past tense (Read: Doesn't have to be.) that doesn't mean that everything happening within the story that's "happened," 'has' happened, if you get my meaning.

Basically, the addition of "have" on both locations doesn't just make the sentence stutter, but is also wrong. This is an ongoing story told in the past tense, in as such what is currently "ongoing" in the story is ongoing, and as thus doesn't need the added word.
- I'm a sucker for omitting.

I'd venture to write it something like this:

"When they reached the exit, they were surprised (terrified?) by what they saw; before them was the village, again, as if a mirror before them."

In this I added some artistic freedom, and you might chose at your leisure to include or exclude that part. But my point is that one shouldn't unnecessarily extend a sentence, actually in most cases omitting needless words to clarify the purpose of the sentence often make a better impression.
- Fuck, I reckon I could sell that to some Judge.

Also, while indeed a semi-colon makes this sentence look better, note that it isn't necessary. So unless you feel completely confident in it's use (Which isn't the case with most people.) I would advice against it.
- Oh and, there isn't a capital letter following semi-colon

End of bickering.

Well, that was a lie, cause while my bickering at BreathingAcid has come to an end - it continues infernally at you. (evil eyes)

In the dead of night, in an unsuspecting village in an unknown location many years ago, a mysterious shadow covered the sky, enclosing the whole village into a dark, dark time of the night, probably the darkest they have and will ever experience.

This introduction is not only extremely long, but doesn't have even the slightest hint of a decent flow to it, I find myself having to draw breath while reading through it all and at the end I'm left with what for my struggles?
Nothing, nietsky, NADA. It tells me of an unknown location, of unsuspecting villages and that it's many years ago, well---that's the first part anyway, and I chose to stop here cause this is where there should be a natural pause.

All of that is needless information, and while sure I can appreciate your attempt at setting a mood, this doesn't really set any mood, let alone a good mood. (Read: Good in context of the "mysterious" mood attempt.)

So how do we fix this? With HEAVY FUCKING OMITTING.

Example: "In the dead of the night, an 'eerie' shadow enclosed an unsuspecting village." - This is really all that introduction conveys, and won't you agree that the short version is both clearer and more to the point?

Note: 'Eerie' is simply used to describe the shadow, you might chose whatever word you see fit, but don't use "dark," I mean, seriously don't use dark.
Stop and think for a moment, ever heard of a "light shadow"? >.>
- Shadows are dark by nature, you don't need to emphasis that.

They try to stay sane in that situation, but some of them just can't. Those whose wills were weak committed suicide.

'They try to stay sane' - Here, as Acid (you don't mind if I call you Acid, right?) pointed out about the former line, you jump straight from past tense to present tense, and while yes it is an ongoing story, it's easy to think that means you can write it as if it's a present story. It's still in a totality a "past tense" story, unless you chose for it to be present tense, but then you have to chose one and stick to it, you can't jump back and forth like this.

Ahem! My point is, what that part should be saying is "They tried staying sane" and now I'll offer an alternative to this entire thing:

"While all were struck and fearful, they found it hard keeping their sanity. Some however, succumbed to despair, accepting death to end the misery."

And really, everything else is mostly the same as these examples, mixing up past and present, tiny typo errors and poorly constructed sentences.

One advice I can offer in regards to stuttering sentences, read them out loud.
- If you find it seems unnatural to say, or you find yourself needlessly drawing breath to continue reading, then that should be a sign that there's something wrong.

And finally, on the verge of my post, I'd like to point out: Yeah, I know, I might come off as offensive in my way of writing this. But that's not because I don't like you, it's because that's how I write, any advice or pointer made in this little review has been 100% meant as a constructive criticism.

Oh and I hope some of my yapping might come to be helpful to you