Van Eastmore: Battle for Vexta

[sonofjay]

Van Eastmore: Battle for Vexta


The Gods had forseen it, the rise of the dead, the conflict of war, the tides of darkness, and the possible extinction of those that are lower than gods, it just
a matter of time before the tides of darkness consumes them.

"We must do something!" demanded by the God of Nature.
"No, we can't save them anymore."replied by the God of War who wears a black robe with a shoulder pad. At first you will doubt Eone's title as a God of War because he totally look like a normal human, but inside him hides a chaotic power that can make an "eternal conflict" that only Gods can resolve.

"But how can a God that was so addicted to war can say that!!!" As the God of Nature's voice went louder almost all the trees bend with it.
"Because I'm a God of War?"Eone's voice was now provoking the opposing God.
"You worthless..."
Before the God of Nature can even finish his sentence, a powerful voice cut him.
"Silence!!!" the voice of the God had not just only cause the trees to bend, but also the lightning had trembled, the wind had created a very strong tornado, and as his stress it harder, the earth itself had trembled upon the voice. Visha the God of all Things released his fury for the lost of manners of the two God."That was enough of your non-sense."
"Sorry my Brother"The God of Nature bowed his head as he beg for the acceptance of his brother.
As the God of Nature straighten up, Visha continued to talked without waiting for Eone's to apologize. In fact, he knew that Eone will never beg for it.
"As this issue are getting sour for every second pass, is there anyone here who have an idea to resolve this incoming darkness?"Visha's voice was so gentle that a human will pay his life just to hear it.
A God with a green robe raised his hand and started to talk" I recommend to send another Kyrie to the mortal world my brother."
"We already did it, and we failed my brother, sending another kyrie will just weaken our forces against the demons, and we also have to face the fact that a Kyrie might just fail."explained by the God of Lightning.
"Let me finish my brother, we can send another Kyrie back to the past and help the Kyrie Aquatic on it mission."
"Hmm, interesting"said Visha that currently holding his long, white beard."But how can we do it? You know that a God cannot interact with the world of mortals, physically and by using abilities that will link to their world except from, and I think that you know that I don't have that kind of ability."
"Don't worry my brother... I know someone that can do it for us."

 

[Celaquil]

Ahh, godly conflicts, how I love stories about them.

It seems, though, that your text suffers handsomely from both grammar errors and plain out non-originality. I'll make a wild guess here and claim that English is not your first language, correct? And in which case I would recommend you either get a more powerful correction program to work with, such as MS Word 2007 or above, or that you start writing in your own language till you feel confident enough with your English to make sensibly written texts.

I do want, however, to stress the matter of originality, for I feel like every time I read a online fantasy related text on a site like this, it is always very black and white and very "one hero to save them all and the gods are always good." kind of thing, so on and so forth. When you write, or create, your own fantasy world, always be sure to ask yourself whether or not what you write or create has been done a thousand times before. See, originality is not just changing out some names and titles and go for the same base-line story telling that any other "streamline" fantasy writer makes, and in that case I highly recommend you start reading some Dark Fantasy, as the authors of that kind more than often writes special and intriguing texts.

I could go about nitpicking many things in your text, but I honestly feel like right now what you need is a general idea of what it means to write originally. Another great method that I have practiced myself when writing stories, or rather more over making gods and races and characters is to take a basic concept, like say elves, and have the basic fundamental ideas on spot, so as to be recognizable by the readers. So, for instance, keep the pointy ears and the long span of life, and their general sleekness, and then build on top of that with something entirely controversial, such as for instance have their race of pretty boys living in a harsh and dangerous desert.
- Just some food for thought.

All in all, and a bit this and that, I liked what I read to some extent. Even though it was close to not readable and very much streamlined. Keep on writing though, you can only improve from this point on.
- Oh and I do love the title.

 

[sonofjay]

Thanks for the comment, yup my language is not english, I already have the next chapter but I think I'll try to clean it more before posting it.

 

[fladdermasken]

Try complementing the dialogue --moreso than you already do anyways-- with some narrative and underlying impressions. Helps set the mood, and makes it all flow better. It's not generally pleasant to strain past an entire page of dialogue if you just feel left out and completely gridlocked.

This part for instance.

replied by the God of War who wears a black robe with a shoulder pad. At first you will doubt Eone's title as a God of War because he totally look like a normal human, but inside him hides a chaotic power that can make an "eternal conflict" that only Gods can resolve.

Sort of gives the impression that you're telling your friends about the story; not that you're telling a story.
Kind of non sequitary.

Another thing that might help is if you depict the scenario a bit. Sure, you don't have to wring out an entire essay about it (leave some space for our imagination to work its course), but some general outlines would make it alot easier to relate to. And by extension, some character backgrounds. Not necessarily explicit ones, but some profiled characteristic lines-- more rope to work with as it were. I get that this is probably at an early stage, and you don't always go into detail in the prologue, but it's worth thinking about.

And yeah, loving the title. Just, you know, work the story to live up to it. To be blunt, I'd definitely pick your book up in a store and flip through the pages based on the title alone,
- but I'd put it back just as quickly.

 

[sonofjay]

@fladd

Thanks for the helpful tips. I'm still working on the chapter 1, hope that I wrote things right on it.