QotD

[WhiteTrashBoy]

Quest of the Dimensions

The Author

Tyler McWilliams, 15, 10th Grader, LOVES POPEYE'S CHICKEN

Scroll to the bottom for Weird Names and stuff u didnt understand. If the names aren't listed below, then please post.
If there are any Grammar Errors, please post..

IDELAUM
The land of Flame


The Background


Part 1

Idelaum was a tranquil Land. Many creature dwelled in its continents. Humans, Elves and Dragonborns lived in harmony. Even the stubborn Gleres were establishing trade routes within the mighty Road of Gurmen. Yes, the mighty Gurmen who led the resistance againts the Dark Legion ages back. A few of those minions still dwell in the darkest corners of Idelaum, with the traitors of the Empire, whom helped Lord Variz get into their world through The Portal. Everyone believed that the danger was gone...
Everyone except Targarus, The mighty Chaplain of the Holy Order...

Part 2

It was night. Two hunters from Offi Harbor, were tracking down a group of KutKuts. They knew all about The Portal and the entrance of the Dark Legion into their world, but the story seemed little more than a legend to them.
The leading hunter whispers to the other to stand down. He saw something.
It was a big Black mass, that appeared to be moving, very slowly.
The hunters stood there and waited, trying to find out what was that creepy figure. Both of them stood still. Like petrefied wood. Until, slowly, on the black mass's body, two, white eyes started to reflect the Moonlight.
The hunter, had no idea what it was, and started running away, leaving the second hunter behind... And while he was running back, he heard a loud screaming voice behind him. It was Gustav, the other hunter. For a moment the hunter stopped and looked back and saw only the dark trees as far as the eye could see. Then a noise of crackling leaves made him turn around, and there it was. The giant beast. The hunter Screamed as loud as he could and fell backwards, while the beast got closer to him with it's Huge mouth open, growling in a monstrous way. Suddenly behind it, two strange Humanoid forms were revealed by moon light. they were strange, never seen creatures. They were smiling, shrouded in darkness, showing their pointed teeth. They had spears and their skin seemed red. They were short and thin, and they both had leather clothing. The hunter kept yelling until the beast swalloed him whole.

Part 3

Dawn shone over Freimore, and everyone started their day, like any other day. The city of Ascum was a really fortified city, with tall walls and multiple towers, plumbering with guards. It was rather chaotic and crimeful, but it was quite safe from outer attacks. Suddenly a horn blows the calm air away. Everyone went in panic. The horn ment only one thing: Danger.
In the chaos of the people running, guards ran toward the front door, as though preparing for a fight. Suddenly everyone stopped. The only noise were steps of marching outside, and the grinning of babies. Noone moved.
Suddenly the marching stopped. Everyone was trembling in fear. Even the Fearless Captain Hirdoo, as he noticed black spots in the sky. Many, like a locust swarm... That got bigger and bigger...
Soon he realized that they were arrows. Thousands of arrows peircing down like a rain of deadly bolts. The panic Ruled the city.
And as the inside of the city was ruled by Massacre, the Doors started to be Rammed. The guards knew the battle was lost, since more than half of the guards was dead for the arrows, so they didn't even bother trying to fight, so they ran down to the city sewer complex, followed by the townfolk...
All the people tryed to stop panicking, and the guards tryed to block the way down to the sewer...
Everyone heard footsteps above them...
Noone had ANY idea who was attacking them. Some people thought they were Gleres, since they didn't like humans that much. Other people thought it was the Dark Legion again. Only the dead guards saw who, or what they were...
Suddenly, the entrance to the sewers was bashed by a some sort of flame ball, that scattered the guards in front of it, breaking them into peices.
And there they were... Monstruos creatures... Marroned skin, yellow eyes, Pointed teeth, and small, contorted face. Never seen creatures.The people started panicking again. Some threw themselves in the Canals of the Sewer, some attemped to fight the so called Hobgoblins with the dead guards' weaponry... But they all died. Noone was left.

Dictionary

Gleres: Race of humanoid beings, which came from The Portal when the Dark
Legion entered Idelaum.

The Portal: A portal that has been in Idelaum since living creatures can
Remember.

Dark Legion: An army of Demon Spawns that corrupted the lands of Idelaum
Ages ago.

Holy Order: An order of holy magicians that serve The Reign.

The Reign: The Reign of man kind led by King Yidel.

KutKuts: Blue bird like creatures. Very similiar to ostrueges but with feathers
on their head.

 

[Phoonix]

it's a bit short to say if it's good or not. make something longer then we can see where it is going and say if we like it or not. this is just to short.

 

[WhiteTrashBoy]

oky dokey

 

[WhiteTrashBoy]

Do u want a part 3?

 

[Phoonix]

don't double post, instead press edit. hmm describe more, it's a tip many people give. and you should especially do it. otherwise, pretty good tough the story moves fast. yes lets see a part 3.

Kind regards,
Yours Phoonix.

 

[WhiteTrashBoy]

will do

 

[SasuhKun]

Hmm.... Looking good. And kinda creepy.

 

[WhiteTrashBoy]

lol that's excaly my goal! i'll write moah l8er

 

[-Kobas-]

Lets see, it's interesting, scary (creepy), something new, and it's f UBER SLAUGHTER....
But I like that

Please write more (at least part 4.5 ...)

 

[WhiteTrashBoy]

Ok thx i'm glad u like!

 

[Darkmoon Hero]

The guards knew the battle was lost, since more than half of the guards was dead for the arrows, so they didn't even bother trying to fight, so they ran down to the city sewer complex, followed by the townfolk...

Run on sentence. Split it into smaller sentences. Also, it should say : since more than half of the guards were dead from the arrows,
There are a few more spelling and grammar mistakes, but I'll ignore those for the most part. The writing is alright, but needs a little more description. And having substantial characters can make a story much better. Consider adding characters if you intend to make this story long.

EDIT - Didn't see the entirety of your first post, I DO think you should continue this.

 

[WhiteTrashBoy]

Yes Darkmoon Hero, thank u very much for reading. Your right, i'll modify tht. And yes, more descriptions are needed (everyone told me ) and i will add a Character in part 4

 

[Acutesharpness]

Who is going to translate this into a rpg game, looks good

 

[SasuhKun]

For typos, I only found one: The horn ment only one thing: Danger.


It is meant.