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To Those Who Would Hunt

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Got an English assignment to write a short story (500-1500 words) for a contest, with the theme 'passion'. Anyway, here's what I wrote, although this might not end up as my finished copy:

Shados said:
To Those Who Would Hunt

My bloodied paws claw across the ground of the forest, the cold red moon’s light filtering through the leaves and barely revealing the way forward. I can still hear them, those who would nail me to the ground, pierce through my heart and extinguish the bright flame of my life; the hunters. My right side burns with each breath and I stop for a moment to lick the wound clean and rest, waiting to see if the hunters are still on my trail.

I have hope for a time as the sounds of the hunter’s seem to draw no closer, then the bloodhounds howl and they find my scent once more. I launch myself along the darkening undergrowth; running as if my body weighed no more than a shadow, fuelled by anger at the hunters and at my futile inability to prevent my own end. I run, and it seems it is the forest that races past me, I remaining where I was. My anger flares, thinking of the way these hunters tricked me, poisoning my water with some potent potion, thinking to have themselves an easy kill to brag of.

The scent of water hangs upon the air and I let my keen nose guide me towards a river, I leap into it, seeing a reflection of a white wolf before I break the water; my own reflection. I move downstream, trying to break both my trail and my scent, and I leave the frigid water cold as snow, but it only numbs my pain and sharpens my thoughts. In the back of my mind I know the river will only slow them down, not stop them, and so I continue moving. I feel adrenaline surging through my veins, urging me to greater speed, heightening my already sharp senses. I slip like wind through the shadowed night, and run into the meter-high mouth of a tunnel like a gash upon the earth, still seeking to lose my ever-present pursuers.

The claustrophobic tunnel branches and I choose the path leading up, moving along the uneven earth floor, weaving around ugly pillars of stone. I emerge from the tunnel and I know something is wrong. My eyes dart around, yet there is nothing wrong I can sense, nothing but the hunters behind. I stand still a moment before moving on, my sense of unease growing with every step. Wary now, I smell a hint of something upon the air, something that smells like danger itself: smoke. I realize I’ve been moving towards fire all this time and what remnants of hope left in me turn to ashes.

I cannot return the way I came, so I have no choice but to believe the fire is yet small, contained, and to continue on. I lope forwards, harried by the sounds of pursuit, dread growing in me, gorging on my dark imaginings, weighing me down with it’s loathsome taste. The hunters are closing now and moving forwards I burst forth from the forest and into a clearing, where not twenty meters distance a forest fire in full blaze is raging, threatening to consume all in it’s path with it’s terrifying force. I look behind me and catch a glimpse of an armoured man carrying a spear; and I know no choice but to back towards the fire.

The hunters close in; they know they have me caught between a hammer and an anvil. I am as close to the brilliant wall of flame as I dare go, and I try to keep my fangs between the hunters and myself, but they spread in a semi-circle around me. Despair almost overwhelms me, but anger burns yet brighter, anger at their deceit and betrayal, anger at my weakness, a torrent of hatred for this despicable end, and the passion that fuels it all, the energy of my emotion, begins to rip apart the weakening spell-threads of the potion.

The magic unravels around me, and my body returns to that of a man, and more than a man, a sorcerer, a being of power. I flick aside the last shreds of the spell and turn to the hunters. I can see the exhilaration, greed and rush of victory fade from their eyes, replaced by fear. One throws his spear at me; the spear shrivels into nothingness in the air before me, destroyed by the waves of power emanating from me, power that is the only outlet for my emotion. I break the hunters, shredding the shallow threads of their lives apart, rending their bodies into uncountable bloody specks, revelling in the revenge.

Later, when the fire without and the fire within have burnt themselves out, I let myself feel some pity for my torturers, before returning into the shadows.

Oh, and if you have any suggestions or constructive criticisms, please make them.

-*meow*
 
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You might consider restructuring some of the sentences to provide more variation in length: most of them are uniformly long and may leave the reader somewhat exasperated. Short sentences can easily change the pace of a paragraph or provide an abrupt stop. That's a fact.

A great many commas seem to be unnecessary; likewise, the use of the word "and" could also be reduced.

It's usually best to separate blocks of text by semicolons only when the phrase can stand on its own as a sentence in its own right.

Adjectives can add interesting detail.

The story includes plenty of drama, emotion, and tension, but contains no question marks or exclamation points? Spice up the recipe!
The scent of water hangs upon the air and I let my keen nose guide me towards a river, I leap into it, seeing a reflection of a white wolf before I break the water; my own reflection.
Wolverabid said:
The scent of water hangs upon the air as I let my keen nose guide me toward a river. I leap into it, seeing an image of a snarling white wolf before I break the water: my own reflection!

A few minor spelling errors are evident.

fuelled
revelling

forwards
towards
Those two particular words are variants; they are acceptable but "forward" and "toward" are usually better choices.

Overall... a midrange "B" (in my opinion).
 
Level 18
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The spelling mistakes you mentioned aren't mistakes by Australian spelling and in your example above I used the semicolon to join two sentences into one, as I feel it flows better than using a colon or a period.

As for exclamation points and the like, I avoided using them as they can break sentences apart overly much, and because I prefer to show the sense of urgency (Or whatever) through the words themselves. Oh, and he isn't actually meant to be overly surprised at seeing his reflection as a wolf, it is there purely for the reader's benefit, to seem like the 'twist' in the story, making the end all the more unexpected.

However, I do agree that I could improve on the flow and movement of the writing. I'm glad you did make some suggestions mind you, you're only about the second person to do so >.>.


-*meow*
 
Level 18
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Changed the end sentence from "Later, when the fire within and the fire without have burnt themselves out, I let myself feel some pity for my torturers, before returning into the shadows." to "Later, when the fire without and the fire within have burnt themselves out, I let myself feel some pity for my torturers, before returning into the shadows." to give the 'out's more spacing, hopefully make it ring a little better. Thanks for kharma's note that the last line sounded wrong.


-*meow*
 
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