• 💀 Happy Halloween! 💀 It's time to vote for the best terrain! Check out the entries to Hive's HD Terrain Contest #2 - Vampire Folklore.❗️Poll closes on November 14, 2023. 🔗Click here to cast your vote!
  • 🏆 Texturing Contest #33 is OPEN! Contestants must re-texture a SD unit model found in-game (Warcraft 3 Classic), recreating the unit into a peaceful NPC version. 🔗Click here to enter!
  • 🏆 HD Level Design Contest #1 is OPEN! Contestants must create a maze with at least one entry point, and at least one exit point. The map should be made in HD mode, and should not be openable in SD. Only custom models from Hive's HD model and texture sections are allowed. The only exceptions are DNC models and omnilights. This is mainly a visual and design oriented contest, not technical. The UI and video walkthrough rules are there to give everyone an equal shot at victory by standardizing how viewers see the terrain. 🔗Click here to enter!

The Subspace Emissary

Not open for further replies.
Level 8
Aug 28, 2007
Chapter 1: Brawl

"This is it, today it's Mario vs. Kirby!", said the announcer with his booming voice. Peach and Zelda watched from the crowded stands as Mario and Kirby waited for the announcer to tell them to start. "Ok, get ready! Fight!" Mario shot a fireball at Kirby, Kirby dodged and sucked Mario in. Kirby spit out Mario and now Kirby sported Mario's cap. Kirby shot three fireballs at Mario, they hit him. Mario jumped at Kirby, his punch shot Kirby into the air, golden coins following him.

In a temple, high above the stadium in Skyworld, Pit watched as Mario and Kirby battled. Pit watched as Mario's punch knocked Kirby out, turning him back into a trophy. Mario touched the trophy and Kirby was back, they shook hands and waved to the cheering crowd.

Horrified screams came from the crowd as red clouds began to cover the sky, the great Battleship Halberd flew with these clouds over the arena slowly. Mario and Kirby looked up at the menacing ship as it dropped tiny purple orbs of gas onto the stadium's floor. The orbs materialized into the robot-like Primids. As the primids surrounded the two heroes, Peach and Zelda hurried down from the stands to help Mario and Kirby.

Kirby puffed up into the air. Mario following this up shot a fireball beneath Kirby towards several primid, they caught flame and ran off the arena's central stage. Peach threw a vegetable at two primids who were sneaking behind Mario, the primids were thrown into the air and flew off the stage. Kirby reached the ground again and sucked in a primid, shooting him back out towards a dozen others. Several primids tackled Mario, Zelda however shot a light arrow at them, the arrow threw them off Mario and into the pit around the main stage.

Just then, the Ancient Minister flew down from the Halberd, he carried with him a giant Subspace Bomb. The bomb dropped onto the arena floor. Two R.O.B.s deployed from behind it and opened the bomb, only three minutes remained before the bomb exploded! With that, the Ancient Minister flew back to the Halberd as the battleship departed.

Chapter 2: Petey Piranha

Mario ran towards the bomb to stop it from detonating, but out of no where he was hit by a cannonball and Mario flew into the sky. Kirby ran to try and help Mario, but then the sound of iron rattling and the princesses screaming distracted him. Both princesses were in cages held by the giant Piranha Plant mutant, Petey Piranha. Petey roared at Kirby, the determined puffball jump towards Zelda's cage, kicking it. Petey disliked this and swiped Peach's cage towards Kirby, he dodged and the two cages slammed together. Petey then slammed Zelda's cage at Kirby as he landed back on the ground, Kirby flew towards the edge of the stage, stopping right before the end. With that, Kirby jumped at Zelda's cage again and hit it with his hammer. The cages bars cracked, almost breaking. Petey slammed Peach's cage next to Kirby, the shock knocked Kirby over. Kirby jumped at Petey Piranha's exposed belly button and whacked it with his hammer, Petey yelled into the air and exploded.

Out of the explosion jumped Kirby and Zelda. Wario jumped out of the cloud of smoke behind them, holding a strange gun. He aimed towards Kirby, laughing. Then he noticed Peach crawling out of her cage as the smoke cleared. Wario redirected his gun towards her. The gun shot an arrow along the ground towards the unsuspecting princess. It pushed her into the air in a flash of light and down came a trophy of Princess Peach. Wario jumped over to retrieve his prize. Wario jumped out of the arena, Kirby and Zelda remembering the bomb ran for their life. 16 more seconds! The bomb exploded!

Chapter 3: Pit, General of Palutena's Army

Pit watched in horror as the stadium was dragged into Subspace. Palutena appeared behind Pit. Pit ran forward and kneeled before his queen. Palutena created an orb of light and the orb took form into a bow. The bow flew into Pit's hand, understanding what he must do, Pit stood and ran towards the great door out of the temple. As the door opened, Pit jumped into the sky below, free falling for a few seconds. He then spread his wings and flew toward a piece of land. He landed on the rock in the clouds and watched as the clouds turned red and the Battleship Halberd appeared from beneath them.

It flew over him, releasing tiny purple orbs down on the clouds around him. As the Halberd flew away in the sky, the orbs turned into hundreds of Primids. Surrounded, Pit pulled his bow apart, turning it into two blades. Pit sliced at the nearest primids and they flew through the clouds. Putting his bow back together, Pit shot at several more primids, his arrow impaled them. All four went flying, an arrow connecting them. Pit jumped and flew towards some stairs nearby, as he flew closer he shot and arrow at a primid on the steps and it stumbled off and down through the clouds. A mechanical cloud-like object flew over him just then and shot lightning at him, he rolled aside, the lightning shot through the stairs, leaving a hole. Pit jumped up and cut the thing in half and it exploded. He continued on, running across some clouds. Primids jumped at him only to be sliced or shot.

As he walked across a stone walkway, a giant robot with two scythes fell from the sky. The scythes flew down towards Pit, he flew up and away from the danger. The robot, with it's two weapons stuck in the stone tried to pull the scythes back out. Pit landed behind it and unleashed a flurry of slashes from his blades. Finally pulling it's scythes out of the ground, the massive robot turned towards Pit and swung it's twin blades at him. They once again missed and were stuck into the walkway. Pit jumped behind it and shot an arrow into it's head. It exploded and suddenly a door appeared in the sky behind where the robot has exploded. Pit ran threw it and appeared on a piece of rock, he looked over the clouds and saw something shining. Curious, pit flew over and touched it, Mario appeared. Mario was confused and looked up at Pit. Thanking his savior, Mario and Pit decided to team up and jumped towards the clouds far below.

Strange round robots rolled across the clouds, Mario shot a fireball at it and the robot shot a lightning bolt in response. Pit grabbed him and flew up. Pit dropped Mario above the creature and Mario ground pounded it, crushing it. The debris fell through the cloud. Jumping on an elevation cloud, Pit and Mario reached a broken stone walkway, they jumped across to a ferris wheel like structure. Mario jumped and Pit flew towards the next platform, another thunder cloud-like robot flew overhead, it shot lightning at Mario and he jumped at it, blowing it high into the sky where Pit shot an arrow into it. Primids ran towards them as Pit landed. Mario pulled out F.L.U.D.D. and shot a jet of water towards a primid, it fell off the stone platform. Pit blocked an attack from a trio of primids with his Mirror Shield. Mario jumped over the shield and spun down towards them, they jumped aside however and punched him. He jumped up at them and they flew up and back down, breaking apart on the hard stone.

As they continued on, they met a primid with a yellow boomerang/sword that was stronger than an average primid. They defeated it however. More storm cloud robots, round robots, and primids also were waiting to attack them only to be defeated by the team. They finally reached the end of another platform but were attacked by a skull like robot with two laser guns attached to it's sides. It shot at Mario, nearly hitting him. Pit flew above it and shot an arrow into it. The skull robot turned and shot at Pit, the laser missed by inches. It shot another volley at Pit, this time it hit him. Pit fell down towards the platform, knocked out. Mario shot a fireball at it exploded. Waking up Pit, Mario and his partner headed towards the shimmering gate that had just appeared before them.

The Halberd flew away into the sunset as Mario and Pit watched. Then an arwing flew overhead, following the great battleship of the sky.

Chapter 4: Kirby and Zelda

Kirby and Zelda had escaped the Subspace Bomb, now they fled from the Battleship Halberd as it chased them over the clouds. Kirby and the princess rode on a warp star. The battleship rammed into them and the warp star flew away, they were throw into the air. They fell onto the front of the Halberd and headed down it's roof. As they reached the mighty weapons on the back of the Halberd, they saw an arwing fly by, the Halberd's many guns began firing at the lone ship. A giant grabbing hook shot off the battleship towards the arwing. It's claws pierced the arwing's engine, sending it plummeting towards the clouds below. It fell past Kirby and Zelda, knocking them off the Halberd.

They fell off the ship towards a stone platform in the clouds. They landed and started to descend through the clouds. A dozen primids appeared, Kirby sucked one in and shot it at four others. They flew into a stone wall, breaking into pieces. Zelda shot fire out of her hand towards two others, they caught fire and fell to the ground, burning. Five more to go. Kirby jumped into the air, falling down, a sabre in his hand. The sword cut another primid in half, Kirby then followed it up by hitting two others with his hammer. Zelda then kicked the last two off into the cloud below.

They then ran threw a cloud tunnel into a large stone structure, several more primids awaited them, Zelda shot a light arrow, getting rid of them all. As they continued down through the structure and onto a cloud, a giant sheep-like creature jumped out of the clouds nearby at them. It was so heavy though that it fell through the cloud that Kirby and Zelda stood prepared to fight on. The duo continued on.

Monoeyes, strange eye-like creatures, floated down at them as they descened, the creatures didn't seem very hostile but their bodies were covered in a pink acid so even touching them would hurt. Kirby and Zelda dodged them several times before reaching a door in the clouds.

The door took them to a stone walkway, more monoeyes floated past. A primid with a boomerang ran closer to them along the platform and threw his boomerang, Kirby sucked it in and shot in back out. It hit the primid square in the chest and it exploded. Kirby and Zelda jumped down from the platform to find themselves on land once again.

Chapter 5: Out of the Clouds

Kirby and Zelda ran down the hill, suddenly two cloud robots appeared and shot lightning at the duo. Zelda used Nayru's Love to reflect the bolts back at their attackers, the cloud robots were hit and exploded. As they hopped across a pit, a portal to Subspace opened on the other side and tiny yellow stick figure men called Mites jumped out and rushed towards Kirby and Zelda. Kirby hit some away with his hammer and Zelda set the rest on fire. The duo continued on the hilly road.

As they passed under a mountain, boulders fell from high atop the mountain, primids pushing them towards the duo. Kirby and Zelda ran through the pass, dodging the boulders, narrowly missing them nearly every time. As the duo went deeper into the ravine, round robots rolled across the ledges protruding from the cliff face and yet another portal opened and more mites jumped out to attack Kirby and Zelda. The duo prevailed however, continuing on.

At the bottom of the mountain ravine, a giant robot with scythes stood, it jammed its scythes down towards Kirby. Kirby was safe however in between the two blades and he proceeded to jump and slice open the robot's head with his sabre, instantly destroying it. They headed for a magical door that shimmered golden in the sunlight in the air.

Chapter 6: Kongs vs. the Koopa Troop

In a jungle far away, bird flew out of the trees. Suddenly, out of the dense jungle a hammer brother driving a kart, loaded with golden bananas. A goomba shot out of the jungle behind them and over a cliff. Donkey Kong jumped out behind the flying goomba onto the ledge and roared, hitting his chest with his fists. He watched as the kart drove down the road beneath with his precious banana hoard. Two cannons on the back of the kart shot bullet bills up to the cliff to take out the stubborn kong, then Diddy Kong jumped out of the trees with his peanut pop guns and blasted the bullet bills before they reached his uncle. Landing, Diddy and DK jumped off the cliff to go after the thieving hammer bro. In the jungle below the cliff, goombas tried to hinder the kongs only to be squashed by the huge DK or shot with peanuts by Diddy. Following the road, koopa troopas spun at them in their shells, trying to knock them out, Diddy jumped on them, knocking them unconscious. Five paratroopas then flew towards the kongs, Diddy shot two down and DK jumped and spun, slamming the other three into nearby trees.

As they continued up the road, the kongs jumped into a cannon barrel to get on top of another cliff, more goombas and koopas awaited them. DK grabbed a goomba and headbutted him into the ground, and seeing as a goomba is ninety-five percent head, that must have hurt. Anyway, Diddy then threw some bananas at the other enemies, the idiots all slipped and DK proceeded to slam them into the ground with his palms. The kongs soon entered a stone tunnel, they ran towards the light on the other side.

They exited near a ruined building full of ladders. Paratroopas and goombas were all inside the ruins trying to stop DK and Diddy from going on but they got beat for trying to do that. They found a door within the ruin and went through it to a subterranean waterfall with a wheel. Koopas manning the wheel tried to stop them by pure force, but DK was much stronger and punched them, knocking them into the waterfall. Running out of the cave into the main ruined city, the kongs were attacked by several hammer brothers and goombas. Diddy and DK dodged their headbonks and hammer throws and defeated their weak opponents.

Chapter 7: Bowser

As the kongs proceeded through the ruin, cannons high atop towers shot at them. Three bullet bills were headed straight for Diddy, DK jumped into the air and punched the first into the other two, the bullets exploded in midair.

All of a sudden, the ground shook. The ruined stones gave way, revealing a huge pit. The kongs fell with the stones and goombas down. Hitting a platform in the pit, Diddy shot the closest goomba and then the platform headed up. More goombas landed on the platform, along with a koopa troopa. Diddy threw down a banana peel and the koopa slipped off the platform into the pit. The goombas head for DK, he picked two up in his hands and threw them into the pit's rocky walls. The last one DK punched off the platform.

The platform finally stopped at the other edge of the pit in a jungle. The kongs ran over a small hill and found themselves next to a waterfall. Diddy grabbed a hold of DK and got out his jetpack, they flew down to the waterfall's bottom. Out of the jungle came a giant goomba, nearly as big as DK. DK punched the goomba square between the eyes. Diddy then shot peanuts into its mouth, the peanuts exploded within the goombas mouth and it went flying into the waterfall.

Through a cave and finally there was the banana hoard. Behind the celebrating kongs, a loud footstep quake. They turned around and there stood Bowser, the Koopa King. The kongs prepared to fight, but then Bowser pulled out a strange gun. DK realizing what it was punched Diddy across the treetops. An arrow shot from the gun and hit DK, down came his trophy. Bowser picked up his prize and laughed.

Chapter 8: Mario and Pit

Mario and Pit descended onto a road in the countryside. They ran forwards, soon a strange creature with a blow drier (or maybe a trumpet) for a head stood before them blowing out air to stop their progress. Pit however picked Mario up and flew over the gale force winds to the other side of the creature, who decided to hum music in his head instead. The farther they progressed, the more blow-drier robots and primids they saw. The primids with the yellow boomerang/swords that they had met earlier were now much more common.

The two soon came across a giant stone wall, from atop it two chicken robots fluttered down. Mario and Pit thought that they were just neutral robots, then the chickens tried to ram them. Mario jumped over them and Pit flew up into the air to avoid the rampaging chicken robots. Mario sent a fireball at one chicken robot and pit sliced the other in half. Out of the robots' heads flew two chicklets. The wall then collapsed and revealed a tunnel going through the mountain ahead.

Mario and Pit entered the tunnel. As they ran through the tunnel, primids and blow-drier heads jumped into the tunnel behind them from holes in the roof. They found the gate out and opened it, went through, and closed the Subspace soldiers inside. They then jumped on a stone platform high above the road. As the platform moved towards the other ledge, a subspace portal opened overhead and ten primids, three with swords, fell from it. Pit went up and shot an arrow through two as they fell. Mario jumped and punched another one. The primids landed. Two of them tackled Mario, punching him. Mario shot a fireball at them though and the two jumped off him and ran off the platform. The three with swords all charged Pit, who defended himself from all three and then spun around, his blade outstretched, cutting their heads all off. The last two fleed in terror over the side of the platform. Another portal opened above them and a red primid emerged. Mario went to punch it, but when he did, his hand caught fire. Mario quickly pulled out F.L.U.D.D. and extinquished his hand, then shooting water at the primid. The red primid was pushed off by the force of the water.

The platform finally reached the other side. They ran to the ledge down the road and saw none other than the Ancient Minister, he carried yet another Subspace Bomb. Mario jumped to stop him but failed to reach him. Pit then jumped on Mario's cap, but still he missed the bomb by inches. They fell back to the ground to watch the Ancient Minister fly away into the distance.

Chapter 9: Rayquaza

Diddy hopped through the jungle, he jumped out of the trees onto the edge of a lake. An smoking arwing was crashed along the bank, the curious kong began to walk towards it. Suddenly, the water of the lake rippled and splashed, out came a giant serpentlike pokemon, Rayquaza. It looked at the mortified kong and then shot a bolt of pure energy at him, it missed however and hit the arwing, the ship exploded into flames. Rayquaza then flew out of the water and grabbed Diddy, taking the kong back to the lake to eat him. Someone then jumped out of the flaming arwing, the person ran fast across the water and knocked Diddy out of Rayquaza's claw. It was none other than Fox McCloud. Rayquaza shot an energy bolt at him, but Fox pulled out his reflector and the bolt shot back towards his attacker. It hit Rayquaza. The pokemon slithered back into the lake. Diddy regained consiousness, Fox stood ready as the water moved towards them. Diddy backed up, Fox got ready. Rayquaza then broke the surface, ready to fight.

Fox shot at Rayquaza with his blaster, Rayquaza was hit. The pokemon flew out of the lake and rammed Fox with his nose, Fox recovered and shot into his foe's mouth as it prepared to send another bolt at him. Rayquaza then collapsed onto the shore, slowly slithering back into the waters of the lake.

Chapter 10: Bowser Again?

Diddy and Fox ran through the jungle and soon found themselves in a tunnel going through the mountains. They hurried to the end of the tunnel, all they found however was a dead end. Then koopas and goombas flooded the room from the doors around the walls, the hammer brother in front said, "Prepare to die kong and friend! What the...?" The floor rumbled and collapsed. The Koopa Troop members fell into the subterranean river that flowed below the tunnel, Fox and Diddy landed on a raft that was passing by on the river.

At the end of the tunnel they found a small clearing in between the trees. Bowser suddenly jumped out of the woods. Fox quickly pulled out his blaster and shot Bowser in the forehead, he turned into a trophy. Diddy touched the trophy and it evaporated into tiny purple orbs. Fox and Diddy stepped back, what in the world was happening? An arrow shot at them, they jumped out of the way. There was Bowser with the gun he had turned DK into a trophy with. He shot another arrow at them, it exploded on the ground at their feet. Fox jumped over and pulled Diddy away into the jungle.

Chapter 11: Porky

Far away from the jungle, a young boy walked through the ruins of a once great city. Lucas, the boy, heard a strange sound behind him. Turning around, he saw tiny purple orbs land onto the dirt behind him. The orbs materialized into primids, surrounding Lucas. Lucas looked around in terror, he turned and saw the most frightening thing of all, a giant statue of Porky. Lucas ran towards a building, hoping to lose the statue. It just ran through the wall though and continued ti chase him. Running out across the dirt that covered the roads, Lucas' foot got caught on something and he tripped. The statue came closer and closer, Lucas tried desperately to get free. The statue prepared to crush him. "PK Thunder!", someone yelled. The bolt of lightning hit the statue in the face and it toppled. Appearing in front of the stunned Lucas was Ness. The statue got up and jumped, Ness jumped up in front of it. "PK Flash!", yelled Ness. Green particles emitted from Ness and they shot at the statue, they hit it and suddenly the statue exploded in a green light.

Ness landed back down in front of Lucas, wiping his sweat away and helping Lucas up. Out of the dust came the sound of metal hitting together and air being released from something. Porky walked out in his giant spider-like robot. Ness yelled, "PK Fire!" and a firey bolt shot from the tips of his toes, hitting one of the legs of the spider robot. The tip of the leg melted to the ground, but Porky kept moving forward. The leg ripped off the robot. Porky charged at Ness, knocking him down onto the ground. Lucas yelled, "PK Freeze!" an icey bolt shot from his hand and hit one of the legs on the other side. The leg froze. The robot's movement broke the ice as it moved towards Lucas.

Ness got up and jumped into the air, he shot a PK Thunder into the robot, one of the legs collapsed. Porky's robot was immobilized. But then jets shot off from beneath the robot and it flew into the air. The pig like face on the bottom of the robot opened it's eyes and a spotlight shot down from it's snout. The spotlight hit Lucas and out of the pig's mouth shot a red laser. It electrocuted Lucas, Ness jumped up and kicked the glass protecting Porky, the glass broke and the machine fell from the sky.

Lucas and Ness looked up onto the roof of a small building, Wario stood their his gun pointed at them. He shot at Ness, who jumped out of the way of the arrow. Wario decided he needed easier prey and aimed at Lucas. The arrow shot. Ness ran and pushed Lucas out of the way, the arrow hit him and he turned into a trophy. Wario jumped down to collect his new prize, Lucas ran, looking back as Wario laughed and looked at the trophy of Ness. It started to rain.

Chapter 12: The Desert Fortress
A desert fortress. Abandoned siege weapons littered the plains around it, and a Subspace Bomb lay prepared. Two R.O.B.s deployed and opened the bomb. It exploded, slowly the massive Subspace shockwave headed towards the castle. From atop one of the turrets watched Marth. Purple orbs flew from the shockwave as it stopped, they materialized into more than a hundred primids. The primids marched towards the castle, Marth pulled out his sword and ran down the turret. The primids were inside the fortress. Cutting three of the ones near him in half as the ran at him. He jumped up into the air and stabbed a fourth in the top of the head.

Marth ran into the fortress and fought off a dozen more primids. A blow-drier robot stood in front of him, Marth jumped and cut off it's head, the air coming from it dying slowly. Marth jumped out of the window and down into the courtyard, he destroyed twenty more primid and kicked a blow-drier robot over into a well. Marth ran throught the opened gate. A one-wheeled motorcycle-like robot, a roader, flew past him at more than eighty miles and hour. As it came back, Marth jumped and stabbed it in the head as it drove back under him. The roader exploded.

Marth arrived at the edge of the great purple dome, he heard the sound of gliding wings. He pulled out his sword and blocked the sword of Meta-Knight who had just arrived. Meta-Knight flew at Marth and their swords met again. Primids jumped at the two swordsme. Marth sliced the three jumping at him in half and Meta-Knight sliced the three jumping at him. Realizing they had a common enemy in the Subspace Army, Marth and Meta-Knight decided to team up. Primids appeared all around them and they jumped to attack.

Chapter 13: The Swordsmen, the Plumber, and the Penguin

Meta-Knight cut off the heads of two primids with guns and Marth jumped, spinning his sword around, cutting some jumping primids in two. The two swordsman continued to battle the primids on the abandoned war machines. As the last primid collapsed, Marth and Meta-Knight ran to a rock outcropping in the dunes. Roaders, primids, evil monoeyes, and blow-drier robots all searched for them in the castle and near the weapons. Marth called to Meta-Knight, he had found a hole in the ground.

The two jumped in and down into a mine cart. The cart sped down the track when the jumped in, it ran over several primid who were standing on the track. Meta-Knight saw spikes at the end of the track and pulled Marth out of the cart, flying towards a platform nearby. The cart slammed into the spikes and exploded.

Jumping out of another hole, back onto the dunes. Marth and Meta-Knight found themselves at least a mile away from the castle now. Then they saw the Ancient Minister. The ran towards him. Marth jumped to slash him, but the Ancient Minister moved forward and the blade missed him. Neta-Knight flew towards him, but the Ancient Minister shot a laser at him from his chest. Meta-Knight fell to them ground. The Ancient Minister got back to flying, a golden sword then appeared behind him.

A young man jumped up and grabbed the sword, he cut into the Ancient Minister, who shot off like a balloon across the dunes. The man landed, it was Ike, yet another swordsman. Marth, Meta-Knight, and Ike ran across the dunes after him.

Far away in a field stood Luigi, a waddle dee walked towards him. He prepared his hand as if to karate chop the waddle dee. It walked past him and stopped. It turned around and looked at him, Luigi jumped back. The waddle dee continued on and Luigi wiped the sweat off of his brow. Another waddle dee came up and looked at him. Luigi looked around and saw it and jumped back, ready to fight again. A hammer whacked him high into the sky and a trophy flew back down of Luigi. King Dedede caught the trophy on his hammer and laughed. He set the trophy down in the middle of the road and he and his waddle dees went to hide. Wario came along on his trophy carrier, Ness and Peach's trophies sat on it. He saw the Luigi trophy in the middle of the road and jumped down, he picked it up and laughed. Waddle dees then surrounded him, they threw the trophy into the back of the trophy carrier and King Dedede drove off with all three trophies. The waddle dees followed him, leaving behind an angry Wario.
Last edited:
Level 24
Jun 26, 2006

Joking aside, from what I've seen so far your punctuation is rather poor; you have a lot of run-on sentences as well as fragmented ones, to the point of it being distracting. Mostly you seem to use commas where you should be using periods, but there is also a fair amount of not using commas when you should. Something else, "hammer bro." and "hammer bros." with the periods are very disruptive to the flow of the sentence. You should probably just write out the rest of brother(s).

Your diction could also be improved slightly; it creates awkward but not-necessarily-incorrect sentences, as well as contributing to the count of run-on sentences that could otherwise be acceptable.

Both of those two seem to be improved (but not entirely fixed) in the later chapters (5,6).

A third thing, you seemed to have just a little trouble with homonyms: threw instead of through, and it's instead of its. Those are fairly minor.

I enjoyed the humour in chapter 6 about the goombas, as well as the other enemies being idiots; unfortunately it has a noticeably different voice than the rest of the story. Starting the sentence with "anyways" is severely unprofessional, and changes the voice of the story (chapter, at least) entirely. Doing so is something you should avoid unless writing in first person.

P.S: "kneeled" in chapter 3, ¶1, sentence 3 is misspelled. Yes, I am possibly considering Grammar Nazi as a career option.
Not open for further replies.