• 🏆 Texturing Contest #33 is OPEN! Contestants must re-texture a SD unit model found in-game (Warcraft 3 Classic), recreating the unit into a peaceful NPC version. 🔗Click here to enter!
  • It's time for the first HD Modeling Contest of 2024. Join the theme discussion for Hive's HD Modeling Contest #6! Click here to post your idea!

Thanks for the help guys, here is my poem/song thing.

Status
Not open for further replies.
Level 5
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
171
Help plz!!!

My Humanities teacher has given the students of my class an assignment for our Final, it is a tough one: I either need to write a song, or a poem (that has music in the background), and I need ideas on what I can write about.:confused: There aren't really any restrictions on what I can write about, but I would really appreciate it if you guys gave me suggestions. :grin:

Thanks,
Kwanz4
 
Level 5
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
171
Originial Posting: Help

Ok, so I have my poem, or... whatever it is, and I have it ready for you guys to read if you can bear it. I don't really like it myself, but I do like the last 4 lines. I made this in about 2 hours, and I want to hear what you guys think. I decided to write about a childhood experience of mine of when I was hit in the face with a baseball; when the baseball hit my face, my teeth almost sliced all the way through my cheek, and a good chunk of my cheek was carved out by my teeth. I almost needed stitches, but the ER doctor said that I would be more prone to infection if they gave stitches for the mouth. So every day I had to swish hydrogen peroxide around in my mouth and swallow a pill-and-a-half right after.
Note: For some of you, it might be painful to read.
And no, I did not get my title idea from the font called "Impact".


Impact
I’ve got a story to share with you, and I like to call this story: “Impact”

It’s almost my turn; I’m next to bat,
I stand up in the dugout whereat
I see the pitcher warming up—
Just to see him throw made me jump,
‘Cause he was throwing wildly:
The ball was a blur, it was hard to see.

It’s my turn now, I walk to the plate:
My parents weren’t there to spectate
And see the fear in me—
This guy looked like he was ready to kill me;
So I bring the bat near my shoulder,
Then he wound up his arm, and I knew it was over.

Despite my fear of getting hit,
My body could not commit
To moving out of the way—
To my dismay,
The ball was cruising to hit my face;
An image my mind cannot erase.

Because I ignored my gut,
What I thought would happen is what
Came to pass,
Alas,
I was stricken in the cheek
And from my mouth, blood did leak.

I tried to swallow some fluid,
Instead, a piece of cheek flew in
My throat;
Just something to note.

I could tell that the crowd was concerned because
When I got up, I got applause;
But man my ears were ringing—
It would be a while until I would be swinging
A bat again:
To this fact, I testify—amen.

By the time I was brought to the ER,
My face looked bizarre;
It looked like I had something stuffed in my face,
Even the baseball left a trace—
You could see where the stitches hit me,
To a degree.

The doctor’s diagnosis was
A mild concussion, just
Swish around, in your mouth, this hydrogen peroxide;
And in you I confide
To give you these pills to eat
And this entire process to repeat.

For a while I couldn’t smile,
But the experience was worthwhile—
It’s the memory,
It’s a part of me.

It’s a big deal because in fact,
It was on my life that ball made an impact
To remind me to trust my gut,
The impact was a lesson and that’s what.


Impact
I’ve got a story to share with you, and I like to call this story: “Impact”

It’s almost my turn; I’m next to bat,
I stand up in the dugout whereat
I see the pitcher warming up—
Just to see him throw made me jump,
‘Cause he was throwing wildly:
The ball was a blur, it was hard to see.

It’s my turn now, I walk to the plate:
My parents weren’t there to spectate
And see the fear in me—
This guy looked like he was ready to kill me;
So I bring the bat near my shoulder,
Then he wound up his arm, and I knew it was over.

Despite my fear of getting hit,
My body could not commit
To moving out of the way—
To my dismay,
The ball was cruising to hit my face;
An image my mind cannot erase.

Because I ignored my gut,
What I thought would happen is what
Came to pass,
Alas,
I was stricken in the cheek
And from my mouth, blood did leak.

I tried to swallow some fluid,
Instead, a piece of cheek flew in
My throat;
Just something to note.

It’s a big deal because in fact,
It was on my life that ball made an impact
To remind me to trust my gut,
The impact was a lesson and that’s what.

Although I do like TriggerHappy's suggestion for making the instrumental from Eminem's The Music Box my beat, I have decided to make it the instrumental from Dr. Dre called Light Speed, from his album 2001.
 
Last edited:
Level 5
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
171
Does anyone know a good beat?

So tomorrow, I have to recite this poem, and I need a good beat/instrumental from some sort of rap song. I don't care if it's modern or old-school, just as long as it follows the form of my poem/song. If you guys know any good beat that I can use, I would really appreciate it if you would share it with me, because I've been looking for a while and I need something pretty quickly. I realise that my poem doesn't seem long enough to recite for about 3 minutes, but I plan to stretch it out over time.
Thank you so much for your time! :grin:
 
Last edited:
Level 5
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
171
What do you think?

As you may have been able to tell from my previous posts (if you have read them), I have been pretty busy working away at my finals, and that I greatly value all your guys' feedback. So, I have most of my finals figured out, but I want your feedback on another final that I am doing; I have to tell a story to my class with a partner. I have my story and everything, but the thing is that I can't find it anywhere on the internet. So I am assuming that this is story is told orally only, and I am attempting to rewrite it. I already have the prologue down and everything, and I want to know what you guys think of the prologue. The title of my story is called The Witches' Playground, and I think that all of you would like it, if told correctly. So here it is:

Prologue:
Located in Mt. Saint Helens, the Witches’ Playground has been a site of “unusual activity.” Ever since settlers first came to Washington State, they noticed strange lights shooting up from Mt. Saint Helens. Curious as to where these lights were coming from, they decided to investigate, and they found witches playing with these large beasts, and the settlers were startled. When they decided to take matters into their own hands, they returned to Mt. Saint Helens in hopes of purging this evil from their land. When they arrived, the witches were gone, and the beasts? Well, they were nowhere to be found.
 
Last edited:
Level 14
Joined
Dec 12, 2009
Messages
1,027
"I tried to swallow some fluid,
Instead, a piece of cheek flew in
My throat;
Just something to note."

This stanza just seems rather... vague, or plain. It's presented as if it's of little importance. Then again "Just something to note" implies that's the effect you're looking for. If that's the case, then I only suggest replacing "piece" with "hunk" or "chunk" for a little more imagery.

If not, then I'd suggest rephrasing the first two lines so you continue the end ryhme that the rest of the poem/song has.

Ex:
I tried to swallow the blood,
Instead, down slid something like mud
A piece of cheek oozed down my throat;
Just something to note

Generally speaking, the more vivid the words you use, the more the reader will merge with the scene; or something along those lines.

Don't get me wrong, I like what you wrote, I'm just suggesting that you incorporate more imagery into it to get the reader to "become" you, to enter your shoes and get hit in the face with a baseball. To go through the meeting with the doctor, and to swallow two-and-a-half pills after swishing Hydrogen Peroxide around in their mouths.

Anyway, good job!

//\\^^//\\
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top