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60,000 passwords have been reset on July 8, 2019. If you cannot login, read this.

Tell your jokes here

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Bustr_Bladr, Nov 8, 2005.

  1. Kerrigan

    Kerrigan

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    Wait wait wait, here we go;

    THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:


    Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
    [Imagine that!]

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    [No, really?]

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    [What a guy!]


    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


    War Dims Hope for Peace
    [I can see where it might have that effect!]


    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    [You think?!]

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    [Who would have thought!]

    Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police
    Suspect Homicide
    [They may be on to something!]

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

    Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
    He probably IS the battery charge

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    [Weren't they fat enough?!]

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    [Taste like chicken?]

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    [Boy, are they tall!]

    And the winner is....

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    [Did I read that sign right?]
     
  2. olofmoleman

    olofmoleman

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  3. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus

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    That is the best blonde joke I've heard. Well worth it once you find it.
     
  4. Kerrigan

    Kerrigan

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    Hehehe... Blonde jokes....

    Ok, so a blonde walks into a shop and asks if she can buy a microwave. The owner says that they don't sell anything to blondes. So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red, and then comes back and asks for a microwave. The owner says they don't sell anything to blondes. The blonde asks how he knew she was blonde.

    "Because this is a TV shop."

    I should hope everyone knows that one though....
     
  5. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus

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    A highway patrolman pulled along side a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bull horn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    -----------------------------------------------------

    And just to be fair, one for blondes.

    -----------------------------------------------------

    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop. She jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought you were watching."

    THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
     
  6. Doom-Slayer

    Doom-Slayer

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    I got a real lame joke I told my dad he couldnt stop laughing.


    Whats brown and sticky?

    A stick.



    :D :D HAHAHAHA, **sigh** told u its lame. :wink:
     
  7. JarrardKO

    JarrardKO

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    Question - What came first? The chicken or the egg?
    Answer - JOE MOMMA!

    ROFL!1ONE1!

    Ok well that was lame.
     
  8. DarkShadow

    DarkShadow

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  9. Kerrigan

    Kerrigan

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    Hmm.... :twisted:
    (no offense to richard simmons, I think he's an excellent person)

    What do the Balrog, Richard Simmons, and a fire elemental all have in common?
    They're all flaming! Ok, that was bad

    What's funnier then watching C-3PO getting his head taken off?
    Jar-Jar Bink's head getting taken off!

    What's a corn-cob's favourite dog?
    A husky!! But wait, there's more!!

    What did George Lucas say to Jar-Jar Binks after episode 1?
    Nothing. We took Jar-Jar's head off two jokes ago...

    And finally,

    Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "It's really hot in here." The other turns and screams "Agg! A talking muffin!"

    :D Shut up, I'm not corny at all. I just have a lot of barbecues! (drum set; dun-dun tsch!)
     
  10. JarrardKO

    JarrardKO

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    My friends lol'd at that... I guess it wasn't too lame. :)
     
  11. olofmoleman

    olofmoleman

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    What's funnier then watching C-3PO getting his head
    Thats not funny...
     
  12. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus

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    I'd already said that one but I guess it doesn't hurt to have it where everyone can see it with out going through the pages. It's a damn funny joke.
     
  13. olofmoleman

    olofmoleman

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    indeed it is...






    and so is your face...









    seriously.
     
  14. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus

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    Which one? my ghoul's face (Avatar) or my RL (Real Life) face? cos I think both are, :p
     
  15. Kerrigan

    Kerrigan

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    Ok, ok. let me get some better progressive jokes then.

    How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
    Open the door, put it in, and close the door.

    How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
    Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.

    It's a meeting of all of the animals in the animal kingdom. Which animal doesn't show up?
    The giraffe. It's still in the fridge.

    I'll bet that one's been told already though.
     
  16. olofmoleman

    olofmoleman

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    indeed, I did, exept without the meeting thingie.
     
  17. Xeridanus

    Xeridanus

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    Where would you be if:
    You have all the money your heart desires...
    You have no worries...
    You come home and the finest meal is waiting for you...
    Your bath water has been run...
    You have the perfect kids...
    Your partner is awaiting you with opens arms and kisses...

    So where would you be...







    In the wrong f***ing house......
     
  18. Almost_there

    Almost_there

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    Nothing like yo momma jokes right?

    Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.

    Yo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!

    Yo Mama is so fat that she got baptized at Sea World!

    Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

    Yo' mama is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

    Yo' Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.

    Your mama is so fat, that she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box.

    Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.
     
  19. Ramza

    Ramza

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    LOL that 1 is cool :D

    here:

    * Yo mama's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
    * Yo mama's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
    * Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses.
    * Yo mama's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
    * Yo mama's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker.
    * Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
    * Yo mama's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
    * Yo mama's so big, she whistles bass.
    * Yo mama's so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
    * Yo mama's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
    * Yo mama's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
    * Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!
    * Yo mama's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burnt from re-entry.
    * Yo mama's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
    * Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.
    * Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
    * Yo mama's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.

    I also got lists for:
    Yo Mamma is So Fat...
    Yo Mamma is So Nasty...
    Yo Mamma is So Old...
    Yo Mamma is So Stupid...
    Yo Mamma is So Ugly...

    Want me to post em all? :p
     
  20. Almost_there

    Almost_there

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    how many posts would that take up?