Love Poem

[JetFangInferno]

Wrote another one. Not too particularly fond of the first line but oh wells

Love is a most interesting thing
A delicate rose
Of beauty and sting

Its color gold, so bright and pure
Resist I could not
‘gainst Cupid's Lure

A fading sunset, as we both gazed
The lovely gold hues
Like our love did fade

My jaded eyes now see- raw
- you two - Paolo
And Francesca

The silence so stifling I can’t breathe
How could I have been
A fool so naïve?

I guess it’s time to bid adieu
For how can I blame
You for being you?

 

[hawk_767]

Not bad BUT i think this should be in the writing section or the hive?

 

[JetFangInferno]

Should it? o.o

 

[hawk_767]

well I'm not totally sure. its writing which would make it in the writing section but it shouldn't be that bad in the off topic. but still probably belongs in the writing section.

 

[brad.dude03]

Well. It IS writing, but as the moderator of that section and this one, I can tell you now that you'll get much more feedback in this one.

Unless you want to, I don't see any reason to move it.

 

[hawk_767]

ya that's true. No one really uses the writing section T_T. anyways its a good piece

 

[annoying]

Not really into poetry, but it seems nice.

 

[donut3.5]

Eh, I wasn't a fan.. there were some things I noted about it:
-It seemed like you *tried* to have some sort of structure, but it is completely unstructured (besides the ABA rhyme scheme)
-You mix fairly casual words and phrases ("I guess") with romanticist words like adieu. It just seemed odd to have both, and it just seemed like you were trying to throw in those romantic words just because it is a romance poem.
-Your visual imagery is pretty good, but you're lacking otherwise in terms of imagery. Immerse the reader in the poem, ensnare them with ALL the senses.
-There are a decent amount of poetic devices, but could use a lot more.
I don't really like this one, I'll be blunt. However if you try to improve, I can see you being able to write some pretty good poems.
--donut3.5--

 

[Ash]

Contrary to donuts opinion, I quite liked this. Apart from the 4th and 6th Stanza, it's all good.

However, I do think that it waffles on a bit; this seems like a poem that's aimed at being short and snappy, whilst leaving the reader with a question at the end.

 

[JetFangInferno]

Sorry for the necropost but that's what I aim to do in my poetry. I don't intend to give the reader the entire story, I try to keep it vague but still give a general idea of what's going on. And @Donut3.5, thx for the critique, appreciate it :]