I am not a prideful or boastful man, but only by detailing the true and verifiable facts of myself can you come to judge our friendship. I will now lay out my list of feats, superior traits, and admirable deeds: There is no species of fauna in America which I have not personally killed and skinned. I will never sire a child because I loathe women. I bathe only once a year in an icy pond. I have burnt down one church per month for the last thirty years, and I will never be brought to justice because all lawmen fear me. I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath for ten minutes. To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke's strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude. I cannot feel pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens. With my bare hands, I can crush a fully grown watermelon. No man can kill me. A medical doctor and two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have no soul.