[Story] The new World

[Nordmar]

Hi, first off I would like to say that english is not my native language so there will be some mistakes I guess. I am currently working on a wc3-RPG and this is the story :

Meteor Strike
It was a day like any other - or it would have been, if there isn't that huge meteor falling from the sky, casting a cloud over Lordaeron. None knew where it came from.
The meteor appeared so sudden, like it's the outcome of an evil spell from a mighty wizard. But there is no known wizard in Azeroth who is capable of casting spells of this extent. So how comes that there is this a huge gigantic ball about to crash into the lands of our kingdom? This is the question everyone asked themselves while watching the meteor coming closer and closer and finally...strikes...

The day after:
The inhabitants of Lordaeron are still trying to recover from the shock. The meteor didn't hit any major cities but the impact was noticeable for everyone. While some people are speculating whether it was a specific attack or simply a freak of nature, the king Terenas himself sent scouts to the impact site who sent words back about a magical portal located where the meteor struck. It was certain that the king must send a troupe into the portal with the goal to check what's on the other side and report back. In case there is pure devil on the other side, the king wants to be prepared to fight any creature back, crawling out of the portal. Terenas called the strongest and bravest warriors from Lordaeron together and announced his plans. It was the most dangerous expedition ever attended from anyone in whole Azeroth.

You are one of the strongest if not the strongest fighter in Lordaeron. None could ever beat you in a battle and now it's your duty to risk your life and enter the magical portal. You are not scared - you are aware that you may die on the other side but you would die anytime in order to protect the land, you call your own home.

The day of the expedition:
You traveled to the magical portal. It may look frightening for many people: it's huge, shimmering and spreading a dark aura. Other warriors and mages, the strongest heroes of Lordaeron are already waiting there. Some of them you know, others you don't. But they all look incredibly strong and you know just by looking at them that they fought and won many battles.

After receving the last instructions, you get into position and make yourself ready to enter the portal. Wizards and Priests cast the mightiest buffs on you and your companions and as soon as the last buff got casted, your troupe approaches the portal...

The other side:
Entering the portal and leaving on the other side felt like crossing a long tunnel. It was a unique experience and reminds you of the teleportation spell some mages are able to cast. You and your companions entered the new world carefully. No monsters in sight, no ambush - no danger. The place doesn't look much different from the ones you know, but you can still feel that something is off. It seems like the portal lead to a totally new world and not just to another place in Azeroth. You can tell because the smell in the air different, some trees look weird, the ground texture is unknown to you and the buffs, casted on you just before, were ... gone.

The mages in your troupe try to cast protection spells but it seems like everyone lost its power almost completely. You can still feel slight spellpower lingering in you but it's not enough to cast any spell. - Does magic even exist in this world? -

All you know is that you aren't as powerful as before anymore and this makes this mission even more dangerous. But you keep the kings order in mind which is to get to know this new world, find out why our world is connected with this one and maybe you find any hints about why this all happened. Let the journey begin!

How do you like it? I would really appreciate if someone could correct any grammatical errors and tell me what needs to be rephrased! My biggest problem is also that sometimes I don't know if I have to use present or past tense but if I reread the story it sounds good to me~

Any input is appreciated. Thank you

 

[Nordmar]

No opinions? Does that mean everything is correct? ^^

 

[Nordmar]

push

 

[Gottfried]

I will dissect the story of yours. I hope you like it. I tell you the investigational points: Rationality (This is clear, I think), characters (complexity), Events (coherent with Warcraft universe, as I see this story happens in the Warcraft Universe)
My words is marked by this color.


Meteor Strike
It was a day like any other - or it would have been, if there isn't that huge meteor falling from the sky, casting a cloud over Lordaeron. None knew where it came from. Where is Kirin Tor? Or any almighty wizard organization from Azeroth? Like the... (for example, the ones in the Caverns of Time) No one powerful wizard can oversee this?

The meteor appeared so sudden, like it's the outcome of an evil spell from a mighty wizard. But there is no known wizard in Azeroth who is capable of casting spells of this extent. I mean no disrespect, but when I played Warcraft 3 or World of Warcraft, I saw a lot of spellcasters, who able travel time or control elements in the highest level. So it seems a bit irrelevant in Azeroth.


So how comes that there is this a huge gigantic ball about to crash into the lands of our kingdom? This is the question everyone asked themselves while watching the meteor coming closer and closer and finally...strikes... As I know, a meteor able to destroy a large scale of area... so I feel nobody able to ask questions in Azeroth (the eastern continent)

The day after:
The inhabitants of Lordaeron are still trying to recover from the shock. The meteor didn't hit any major cities, but the impact was noticeable for everyone. Gentle meteor! If a meteor (I think, that meteor is quite large) fell into the Plaguelands/Lordaeron, that destroyed a lot of from the Eastern continent.

While some people are speculating whether it was a specific attack or simply a freak of nature, the king Terenas himself sent scouts to the impact site who sent words back about a magical portal located where the meteor struck. He sent it mere scouts, rather than wizards and guards for it? This is logical anyway... as I saw Terenas II, he is caused some bad decision... not listen to Medivh, let his army to sail Northrend with Arthas, and sent an Emissary (which caused nothing, except tell Arthas his message.) Portal? This is interesting.

It was certain that the king must send a troupe into the portal with the goal to check what's on the other side and report back. In case there is pure devil on the other side, the king wants to be prepared to fight any creature back, crawling out of the portal. Oh hoh! Terenas II is so hasty... he send soldiers to the portal, without organize a "convocation" about it with the counselors and the army leaders? Terenas is so instinctive

Terenas called the strongest and bravest warriors from Lordaeron together and announced his plans. It was the most dangerous expedition ever attended from anyone in whole Azeroth. Typical fantasy cliche! "The team". The King calling some strong hero, instead assemble an army of paladins and wizards. But it is possible, that there are no time creating such a large force. However I feel the wizards of Dalaran, the Order of Silver Hand handle this better.

You are one of the strongest if not the strongest fighter in Lordaeron. Why not?

None could ever beat you in a battle and now it's your duty to risk your life and enter the magical portal. You are not scared - you are aware that you may die on the other side but you would die anytime in order to protect the land, you call your own home. Beautiful words, however it makes the character is a typical one-sided person, he/she/it needs to be more complex. I suggest watch some qualitative TV-series or read the books of ASIOAF.

The day of the expedition:
You traveled to the magical portal. It may look frightening for many people: it's huge, shimmering and spreading a dark aura. Other warriors and mages, the strongest heroes of Lordaeron are already waiting there. I feel it is a raid! The mentioned factions is above is logical, than ten brave hero, you know in order to avoid cliches.


Some of them you know, others you don't. But they all look incredibly strong and you know just by looking at them that they fought and won many battles. You know, I mention an another important cliche, which is pernicious as an illness ->Unrealistic Fighting (Corollary: unrealistic healing from wounds, source: fantasy-faction.com) A hero cannot take on a dozen assailants simultaneously and win. And a group of assailants would not wait to attack the hero one after the other. The hero would likely be killed, or at least horribly injured. This makes all the story boring. Even in the Warcraft, the healers are heavily strong casters, but a nearly invicible hero makes the story boring, senseless. (Look Jessica Jones or Daredevil-Netflix- for example)

After receving the last instructions, you get into position and make yourself ready to enter the portal. Wizards and Priests cast the mightiest buffs on you and your companions and as soon as the last buff got casted, your troupe approaches the portal... Hmm...

The other side:
Entering the portal and leaving on the other side felt like crossing a long tunnel. It was a unique experience and reminds you of the teleportation spell some mages are able to cast. You and your companions entered the new world carefully. No monsters in sight, no ambush - no danger. The place doesn't look much different from the ones you know, but you can still feel that something is off. It seems like the portal lead to a totally new world and not just to another place in Azeroth. It seems, that world/planet has breathable air!

You can tell because the smell in the air different, some trees look weird, the ground texture is unknown to you and the buffs, casted on you just before, were ... gone. It seems the magic used here is not so powerful, and this place is not so different from Azeroth (environment is look like fine, air is fine)

The mages in your troupe try to cast protection spells but it seems like everyone lost its power almost completely. You can still feel slight spellpower lingering in you but it's not enough to cast any spell. - Does magic even exist in this world? - Oh I not see this line, when I wrote the words above.

All you know is that you aren't as powerful as before anymore and this makes this mission even more dangerous. I like it! This is look like a twist, use it wisely I humbly recommend.

But you keep the kings order in mind As I see this, he/she named himself the self-appointed ruler of the new world? This is well, if the others not bend their knees, that may caused some tension. (good, good)

which is to get to know this new world, find out why our world is connected with this one and maybe you find any hints about why this all happened. Let the journey begin! I gladly read the continue of the story, after all. However, the best option is the effects of the environment (for the lack of spellpower), if the Burning Legion or any similar fraction appeared, that killed story.

7/10
Promising, if you avoid cliches this will be a good story.

 

[Nordmar]

Hey Gottfried, thanks for your feedback. Unfortunately this subforum is quite inactive or people simple are not interested in my story :/ either way I appreciate that you took time to dissect my story.

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I have never played any campaign or WOW nor did I care about the wc3-story. I even had to google the names of the continents/cities/characters in the warcraft universe. So I appreciate it even more if people point at parts in the story that do not make sense.

You seem to be confused why everyone could oversee the meteor. That's why it appeared very suddenly..it's not obvious if it's from the space or just a spell.

As I know, a meteor able to destroy a large scale of area... so I feel nobody able to ask questions in Azeroth (the eastern continent)

They were thinking this while the meteor was still falling..this makes sense to me..maybe I phrased it wrong?

Gentle meteor! If a meteor (I think, that meteor is quite large) fell into the Plaguelands/Lordaeron, that destroyed a lot of from the Eastern continent.

Hm ye, I don't want people to think the meteor is huge but didn't cause any damage but the meteor isn't too big like he could destory a whole or even the half continent. I might think about something to make it more clear.

I will write more in 1-2 hours. I will edit this post.

 

[Gottfried]

You seem to be confused why everyone could oversee the meteor

Oh... no I was confused, because no one foresaw the meteor and tried to defeat/block/destroy somehow. Yes, I used a wrong word. Correct words: Foresee/foresaw
A powerful wizard/spellcaster somehow able to foresee events. If not, a shaman/seer can foresee events.

They were thinking this while the meteor was still falling..this makes sense to me..maybe I phrased it wrong?

No... no this clear. This is most lesser problem. (Your story is fairly well, so I not say, that your story is bad)

the meteor isn't too big like he could destory a whole or even the half continent

An oponion of a competent person required. You know, some sort of geography teacher for example.

 

[Nordmar]

Most fantasy stories have those 'chliches'. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, is it? (f.e. lotr or the warcraft story itself and there are many more)

Especially in a fantasy world where magic is a normal thing, I see spellcasters being extremly strong and able to win fights against multiple enemies.

What is the biggest point of criticism in your opinion? If I read the story it seems to make sense BUT as I said I don't know much about the world of wacraft story so maybe for someone who does, the story doesn't make sense at all.

What makes more sense to you:
-The king sends the strongest and bravest warrios into the portal (special squad)
or
-The king sends an army into the portal.

Once again, thank you for your input. Too bad nobody else comments :/

PS: If you have any ideas how the story CAN continue or how it CAN end (why is there a portal etc) then let me know (but maybe send it via PN or put it in hidden tags )

 

[Gottfried]

And it's not necessarily a bad thing, is it?

It is really not bad, it is horrible bad.

Especially in a fantasy world where magic is a normal thing, I see spellcasters being extremly strong and able to win fights against multiple enemies.

Maybe two or three... but not one versus twenty. Normal? Even in Harry Potter, only a small part of the world people is a spellcaster. Wizards is a caste... not everybody able to become it. If all mage of Azeroth is a strong peerless spellcaster able to deal massive damage against multiple foes, then they surely became overconfident, even if they are iron-willed loyal servants. The mages inevitably appeared as a part of the politics (because the right of their intellect, power and influence - The Witcher handle this trope with maturity.) People soon start to view mages as deities. (following or other point of view) This makes the ruler caste (king, nobles) is jealous against the mages. (If not the mages support the ruler)

I only mentioned the classical (white mages) ones before. Dark magic: Cliche filled stories and child tales contains a lot of dark wizard. But, if we see them, we can realize, that they also a small caste. Warlocks/Summoners/et cetera able to summon red-skinned creatures and any other horrific beings or deal a massive amount of damage with their infection based spells (mostly). But as I see, that is a far more dangerous weapon to learn anyone. Even if they are "evil" (this too one-sided) they surely not teach their techniques to a crazed one/fool one/whoever unworthy person. (so as I surmise, they own a initiation ceremony, which is quite hard) The initiation ceremony allows him to sift the volunteers (it makes their numbers few).

What makes more sense to you:
-The king sends the strongest and bravest warrios into the portal (special squad)

Well, because Warcraft contains some really skilled warrior, they may set up a scout force with skilled ones, but an army is necessary, if they want to reach an unknown place. A wise king may not want to sacrifice his most skilled men for a scouting in an unidentified place. Well the most best choice is sent a large contignent (a trained army) with competent leaders. If they want to investigate an another world: they have to make a camp, check the environment, search food and drink (their supplies is not eternal), if they ran out of supplies they must turn back, if they not found anything. If found, under militiary checking the colonists should settle down the new place later.

And: I wrote ideas for the continuity after the lines before, but it is lost. So next day I will write it again.

 

[Gottfried]

Well, they have some choice:
Choice: 1 Wait and scouting
Sub-choice: Find nothing and diseases begun to spread amongst the army
Sub-choice: Find nothing, and all of the soldiers begin to bore this expedition, after all they are fathers and lovers, workers and protectors in their own homeworld. The leader is confronted by his own generals, who wants to return home with the acceptation of the army.
Choice 2: Wait and sent an army with one-thousand man to explore a larger scale of this world.
Sub Choice: They find tracks, furs, but no other thing in the big landscape. The generals and the leader lord accepted this land is uninhabited, they left here an outpost and the rest of the army retreated. Few months later, the remaining force is returned home, because of the danger of illness and the command word of Terenas II.
Sub Choice: At the morning, humanoid creatures arrived in the camp. They told, they came here with no harm and offer an alliance. Parleys begin and the humans returned back with gifts and alien emissaries, who try to live in Azeroth, as well as some human remained on that world. (Even if they may get diseases) However, this peace is not last long. (Oh humanity ) When the lord returned home and a generation grown up, the aliens and the humans (who found some new town) begun to a war with each other for wood, water and food. The aliens quickly destroyed their towns and no one in Azeroth known about their defeat. (Not, if they got too much time to listen backwater colonies, when Stratholme defeated, The Lich King is fallen, the Horde and the Alliance constantly fight with eachother.)
Sub Choice: At the night, humanoid creatures (other race) attacked the camp, but the 19.000 defender simply defeat them, however the remainder of the scout force returned and they tell, that they found tracks of a raptorial race, who may eat other races. The generals and the leader lord agreed to retreat back and close the portal. (If the option is retreat, they closed the portal in any evidence)

It is shorter, than the previous one. The reason of the portal presence should be an open question. (Maybe the aliens opened, or it is a unsuccesful operation of some warlock or the Scourge/Burning Legion, perhaps an unknown one. -> The wizards of Dalaran and Quel'Thalas not able to found out this)

 

[Nordmar]

thank you. I am not even sure if the new world has enemies and if so...if they are strong or weark.

Any input from someone else?

 

[Sxar]

I'll do my best improving your story with the mian line:

Meteor Strike
"A meteor fall in Lordaeron. Nobody know about it."
Ok. Where it fallen? Lordaeron is a huge land. What town was destroyed with the strike? Andorhal? Stratholme?

The day after:
"So, the Capital City is not destroyed. Terenas call a expedition to cross a portal found in the landing zone."
Ok, portals in Warcraft are created by two magicians filling the portal with life energy and opening at same time for each side. That's the case of "Medivh/Guldan's portal, Archimonde/Kel'thuzad and Kaelthas/Killjaden.
If you want to create a portal with the meteor strike you must explain about it and make it stable with a construction arround, if you don't then is just a dimensional scar that will be close anytime. There's no reason to cross to the other side. If you want to do this you need a reason. Example "a few devils spawn from the landing zone and abuct prince/princess". That's a main reason for the king to send soldiers throught the protal.

"You are one of the strongest if not the strongest fighter in Lordaeron. None could ever beat you in a battle and now it's your duty to risk your life and enter the magical portal. You are not scared - you are aware that you may die on the other side but you would die anytime in order to protect the land, you call your own home."
Well here you have a GREAT trouble. The character development is zero. He's just powerfull because you want it. It's like "superman". Nobody can defeat it and periot. If you play the human campaing of WC3ROC
you will find that the development of the main character (Arthas) is full around. Begins with bandits and end with a demon lord throught a way of suffering, pain and sacrifice... if the character don't do this things then you don't care the story. I suggest develop a background to you character. Maybe a few quest that explain why in Lordaeron can't defeat him.

The day of the expedition:
"Everybody is arround the portal expecting to cross it... (because no reason? I insist. Story need the "incentive" of someone being "abducted") and everybody is kickass" ok.

"Everybody get buff then enter into the portal" ok(?) you don't need a full chapter for this. kek. but's ok.

The other side:
"in the new world everything is ok, but buff are gone and mages can't cast even you are weak now". well this is a "trap" for the demons, therefore you can't go back throught the portal (to make it more intresting, if you don't then the mages without power will say "f*** this s**** I'm back!". Maybe to cast you need some item in this world and the items become a simple ston when the energy stop flooding. However how the main character is a "warrior" and don't need magic, can still looking for fullfill the mission... not simply explore... because that's brainless xD send yourself into a portal to find death in the other side? no thanks

"Let the journey begin!" in deed, a journey with some objective please.

 

[Gottfried]

Quite rational and explained!