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[Poem] To seek.

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These moments alone Im entitled.
But alone, I share.

Pondering, how quaint.
The thoughts themselves, inspire.

The picture, is cast
Yet sight has blurred the image.

As-salamu alaykum
Namaste, some say.


Perhaps im not alone
Because alone, I share.

 
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Level 36
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Since I'm on a review-spree, I reckon I should
grace this poem with at least one reply.
Because it deserves a reply.

I like it, the image of the lone artist working in the "shadows" to share his
work with the world, to inspire and intrude upon other's emotions, is a nicely
painted image. Maybe a little blatant, but with this one it's fine.

I don't understand what "As-salamu alaykum Namaste" means but it flows
well with the rest of the text, so it doesn't really matter, and that is a good
sign. The only stanza that bothers me is this:

The picture, is color.
But paint would blur the image.

For starters, I'd prefer "colour" over "color," but that's a very personal
preference, and I take no offence if you chose to ignore that sentiment.
But the second line really breaks the poem, up until then, and after then,
the poem flows beautifully, but there's just something staggering about
"But paint would blur the image" - And my suspicion is that it's the word
"But," so I advice you to revise that line and somehow remove that word,
if possible.

Also:

Culture defines its ethics and us artists their art.

I don't know, but I think this line might be a bit excessive,
I think the poem would read better without it altogether,
and it's also a little too revealing. Keep your audience
in the dark, until they find the light themselves :p
 
Level 4
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Nov 25, 2014
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Thanks Keiji :) I like your reviews, they are helpful; a lot people lack in that sense. I honestly had no idea colour was a word I feel pretty silly. Yeah I didnt revise the whole "but paint would blur the image" When something flows and feel right I tend to leave it alone for fear I would ruin the flow. But on second glance I totally am annoyed by the "but."

As-salamu alaykum - "Peace be upon you" - Arabic
Namaste - "I bow to the god within you" - Hindi


I really dig that you actually read your interpretation of my poem back to me, thats truly a rarity and one of my favorite things to see.


I never was good at endings Ill revise a little bit, hopefully I dont butcher it :p
 
Level 11
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Jan 30, 2010
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As-salamu alaykum - "Peace be upon you" - Arabic
Namaste - "I bow to the god within you" - Hindi

Perhaps this is not the best place to discus this but the way you used these words together points to the fact that you are somehow connected to the cultures which they represent. As far as I know, the only place where Arabic\Islamic and Hindu cultures meet is India. Your signature also has a message of peace, written in several oriental languages, exception being the last (English). Translated it would mean:
"May god bless all of their children And may they Coexist-", or something on those lines.

You have me intrigued mystery person. Either you are an Indian or you seem to be a westerner influenced by oriental mysticism, Sufism perhaps. I would like to know more. Feel free to PM me if you would not rather post here.

And off course very nice poetry :)
 
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