Desperate for Hope

[Daffa]

An empty string
An empty heart
An empty soul

The time I saw
The song I sang

The sky's blue
The sea's high
The earth's cry

So now hear me
Temptation in my heart
The hope that I lost

So I call hope
For a way of life
See the skies
See the earth
Rise again, for future

 

[Celaquil]

Is there a reason why the second and fifth verses are different from the others?
Also, please get rid of the apostrophes in the third verse, maybe then you'll see
that "the earth's cry" is very grammatically incorrect. (Should be: The earth cries).

The fourth verse completely breaks the rhythm for me, and the fifth simply doesn't
make much sense. (How can you "call hope"?)

I reckon it's a poem about losing faith in yourself or someone else, with an attempted
ending to encourage "moving on" and "staying strong", that you've got to dig yourself
out of the dirt, so to speak.

It's a nice sentiment, but could be less obvious and better written.

 

[Shadow Fury]

Not bad, it's short but direct. I just see some incongruences that could be removed to enhance the poem.
The three sentences in the third verse do not seem to be linked.

The sky's blue
The sea's high

Till here, everything's fine, except being too blatant maybe. But when I came across "The earth's cry", I felt there was something wrong. The first *'s* were used as an abbreviation of *is* but this one is a possessive *'s*. Now I don't know if it's grammatically incorrect to say "The earth's cry" but I'm quite sure it doesn't really fit with the whole verse.

So now hear me
Temptation in my heart
The hope that I lost

I'm not sure of the meaning; it baffles me really good. "So now hear me" followed by "Temptation in my heart" seemed like "Listen to me, temptation in my heart!". Not sure if that was your intent but this phrase simply doesn't add up.

So I call hope
For a way of life

This sounds good to me. You're referring to hope as if it is a human being you're calling. Nice! But...:

See the skies
See the earth
Rise again, for future

It really sounded good but I'd rather put "See the earth" first because it appears to be more logical. You look at the earth beneath you then at the sky above you I reckon. Concerning "Rise again, for future", it breaks the harmony of the verse. I'd probably add "the" before "future" and remove the comma which creates an unnecessary short pause while reading.

 

[Daffa]

Kay, I blame being in the middle of the night for writing a poem caused the mess

Anyway,

Is there a reason why the second and fifth verses are different from the others?
Also, please get rid of the apostrophes in the third verse, maybe then you'll see
that "the earth's cry" is very grammatically incorrect. (Should be: The earth cries).

The fourth verse completely breaks the rhythm for me, and the fifth simply doesn't
make much sense. (How can you "call hope"?)

I reckon it's a poem about losing faith in yourself or someone else, with an attempted
ending to encourage "moving on" and "staying strong", that you've got to dig yourself
out of the dirt, so to speak.

It's a nice sentiment, but could be less obvious and better written.

The second line miss a line, as I wasn't too creative at the time.
The fifth line was in junction with the sixth line, so I merged it (and sixth will have 1 insufficient line anyway, similar to verse 2), I'll reconsider it.

Okay, you win
Well done, I guess it was TOO obvious
I appreciate the feedback,

Thanks a lot Keiji!

Not bad, it's short but direct. I just see some incongruences that could be removed to enhance the poem.
The three sentences in the third verse do not seem to be linked.

Till here, everything's fine, except being too blatant maybe. But when I came across "The earth's cry", I felt there was something wrong. The first *'s* were used as an abbreviation of *is* but this one is a possessive *'s*. Now I don't know if it's grammatically incorrect to say "The earth's cry" but I'm quite sure it doesn't really fit with the whole verse.

I'm not sure of the meaning; it baffles me really good. "So now hear me" followed by "Temptation in my heart" seemed like "Listen to me, temptation in my heart!". Not sure if that was your intent but this phrase simply doesn't add up.

This sounds good to me. You're referring to hope as if it is a human being you're calling. Nice! But...:


It really sounded good but I'd rather put "See the earth" first because it appears to be more logical. You look at the earth beneath you then at the sky above you I reckon. Concerning "Rise again, for future", it breaks the harmony of the verse. I'd probably add "the" before "future" and remove the comma which creates an unnecessary short pause while reading.

The third verse is a bit intentional to be unlinked, but as Keiji pointed out, I agree with the earth's cry.

Well, kinda deceiving I guess, I'll consider something else for the first line.

Well, my preference that you see the future, but don't forget the experience you gained in the past. That's why I prefer to see sky then earth. But I still consider it.

Thanks a lot Shadow!

 

[Celaquil]

Nobody, ever, who writes poetry needs to "improve their rhyme scheme".
A poem doesn't, contrary to popular belief, need rhyming. It needs rhythm,
which isn't the same, and I don't agree about the part you picked out, the
rhythm of that part is actually good, as opposed to the two final stanzas,
or verses, where the rhythm completely breaks.

 

[Daffa]

An empty string
An empty heart
An empty soul

The time I saw
The song I sang
The sound I heard

The sky's blue
The sea's high
The earth cries

So, hear me
Temptation in my heart
The hope that I lost

So I search for another
In desperation
For another light

For a way of life
To see the skies
To see the earth

Saw the time
As it shifts
For the better

====================
Hoepfully this makes it more connecting and more realistically logical in poetric essence. I'm still quite new in this style of type till today, so yeah.
And tbh, I almost forgot about this.

Also, the changes also attempt to account every critics as needed.